Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I Think I'm Feeling OK!
What a scary thought. Me? Feeling OK. Yes actually I do feel ok. after months of mentally going up and down like a high-speed elevator, for the past couple of weeks I've felt fairly stable and on an even keel. Yes there has been a few slight twinges of feeling down but overall it has been steady.
Back in mid-August Gary decided he no longer wished to be friends with me, we had been together over eight years as partners then as good friends, it hurt when he asked me to not contact him again as he felt it was time for us both to "move on with our lives". The only way I have been able to cope with this fact is to feel that it is his loss. I will always be there for him if he needs me but only if he makes the first contact. The depression I felt over this ending made me realise that I have for many years been there for everybody more-or-less at their beck and call so I decided that if anyone wants me to do something for them including working on a theatre production then they had to ask and ask me very nicely. I cannot explain just how much happier I feel now over this. I can choose to do a show or help someone as and when I want to rather than just be expected to turn up and do stuff, then be taken for granted.
My small company pension has started and I took a small lump sum in order to treat myself to a couple of luxuries (I imformed the tax office, and local council of my small monthly pension so that I cannot be accused of fiddling my State Benefits). I now have a nice electrically operated bed, which means I can get in/out easier, an upgraded computer, and have booked a vacation too. Steve is going to go on vacation with me as my carer since my mobility has gotten much worse of late, I can hardly get about walking, so I will be using my wheelchair when out and about.
I have never been a person who likes or even enjoys the company of small children but I love seeing Steve's grandchildren, 3 currently with a 4th due shortly. Daisy has Joshua and is expecting Dan whilst Matt has Imogen (Immy) and Zac. Joshua and Immy actually smile when they see me and offer themselves for a hug, kiss nad cuddle from me. Zac is too young as yet to even do more than eat, sleep and do wees etc. I didn't spend very much time with my own son when he was a baby I was working in theatre, My wife cheated on me with my best friend and work collegue and we split up with menot being allowed to have any conact with the lad. I never saw him as a grown-up either he was killed in an accident aged 7.Now I get the pleasure of having Steve as a surrogate son (he is about the same age as my son would have been) and I get to share his family too. I am known as "grandma" yes that's right Grandma to Matt, Daisy, Jermaine, and Zoey (Steve's own children) along with Sean, Daisy's husband, and everyone else in the family and Great Grandma to Joshua, Immy, Zac and soon Dan. I love them all to pieces and feel honoured to be part of their lives.
Well from this lot you can see I am doing ok and hope these feelings will remain with me for a while. Byeeee!
Back in mid-August Gary decided he no longer wished to be friends with me, we had been together over eight years as partners then as good friends, it hurt when he asked me to not contact him again as he felt it was time for us both to "move on with our lives". The only way I have been able to cope with this fact is to feel that it is his loss. I will always be there for him if he needs me but only if he makes the first contact. The depression I felt over this ending made me realise that I have for many years been there for everybody more-or-less at their beck and call so I decided that if anyone wants me to do something for them including working on a theatre production then they had to ask and ask me very nicely. I cannot explain just how much happier I feel now over this. I can choose to do a show or help someone as and when I want to rather than just be expected to turn up and do stuff, then be taken for granted.
My small company pension has started and I took a small lump sum in order to treat myself to a couple of luxuries (I imformed the tax office, and local council of my small monthly pension so that I cannot be accused of fiddling my State Benefits). I now have a nice electrically operated bed, which means I can get in/out easier, an upgraded computer, and have booked a vacation too. Steve is going to go on vacation with me as my carer since my mobility has gotten much worse of late, I can hardly get about walking, so I will be using my wheelchair when out and about.
I have never been a person who likes or even enjoys the company of small children but I love seeing Steve's grandchildren, 3 currently with a 4th due shortly. Daisy has Joshua and is expecting Dan whilst Matt has Imogen (Immy) and Zac. Joshua and Immy actually smile when they see me and offer themselves for a hug, kiss nad cuddle from me. Zac is too young as yet to even do more than eat, sleep and do wees etc. I didn't spend very much time with my own son when he was a baby I was working in theatre, My wife cheated on me with my best friend and work collegue and we split up with menot being allowed to have any conact with the lad. I never saw him as a grown-up either he was killed in an accident aged 7.Now I get the pleasure of having Steve as a surrogate son (he is about the same age as my son would have been) and I get to share his family too. I am known as "grandma" yes that's right Grandma to Matt, Daisy, Jermaine, and Zoey (Steve's own children) along with Sean, Daisy's husband, and everyone else in the family and Great Grandma to Joshua, Immy, Zac and soon Dan. I love them all to pieces and feel honoured to be part of their lives.
Well from this lot you can see I am doing ok and hope these feelings will remain with me for a while. Byeeee!
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Well petal, that was lovely ... we need to get the name changed and, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but, you're not 64 any more!
Love you x
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Love you x
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