All The World's A Stage

2011-11-15T13:23:00.001Z

Less Than a Week Till Orlando!

So why do I feel so down? This is a vacation I have really been looking forward to. for the first time in years. Usually I couldn't care less if once the vacation is booked I wouldn't be bothered if I was told that it had to be cancelled. Up until yesterday I would have been very, very upset if it was to be the case this time, TODAY my attitude seems to be what the f**k, fine, no problem. I just don't get it?

Perhaps other thoughts are kicking in way too strongly. I am still hurting very deeply over the way Gary dumped me some 3 months ago, it was totally out of the blue that he told me he never wanted to be in contact with me ever again. Oh I know in the rational part of my being that t is his loss. He will I doubt ever find anyone who will love him as much as I did, do, whatever. I have decided that I don't want another relationship ever again. t of my life I have been a loner, happy with my own company so I'll go back to that. Yes I have some wonderful friends (whom I love and consider my family - unlike my "real" family) So I'll plod on without a partner "in live" as it were. Depression such as the type I suffer from is so painful and hard to cope with. I an feel fine and less than second later I feel in the depths of utter despair unable to cope with the slightest thing. Writing this blog does help a little but not that much. Having friends such as Steve also helps but when I'm in this state of the 'Purples' I feel I am just making life more difficult for him as he has more than enough on his plate to cope with, with his own family, than caring for me too However thank you Steve for being there for me.

2011-10-11T20:26:00.000Z

I Think I'm Feeling OK!

What a scary thought. Me? Feeling OK. Yes actually I do feel ok. after months of mentally going up and down like a high-speed elevator, for the past couple of weeks I've felt fairly stable and on an even keel. Yes there has been a few slight twinges of feeling down but overall it has been steady.

Back in mid-August Gary decided he no longer wished to be friends with me, we had been together over eight years as partners then as good friends, it hurt when he asked me to not contact him again as he felt it was time for us both to "move on with our lives". The only way I have been able to cope with this fact is to feel that it is his loss. I will always be there for him if he needs me but only if he makes the first contact. The depression I felt over this ending made me realise that I have for many years been there for everybody more-or-less at their beck and call so I decided that if anyone wants me to do something for them including working on a theatre production then they had to ask and ask me very nicely. I cannot explain just how much happier I feel now over this. I can choose to do a show or help someone as and when I want to rather than just be expected to turn up and do stuff, then be taken for granted.

My small company pension has started and I took a small lump sum in order to treat myself to a couple of luxuries (I imformed the tax office, and local council of my small monthly pension so that I cannot be accused of fiddling my State Benefits). I now have a nice electrically operated bed, which means I can get in/out easier, an upgraded computer, and have booked a vacation too. Steve is going to go on vacation with me as my carer since my mobility has gotten much worse of late, I can hardly get about walking, so I will be using my wheelchair when out and about.

I have never been a person who likes or even enjoys the company of small children but I love seeing Steve's grandchildren, 3 currently with a 4th due shortly. Daisy has Joshua and is expecting Dan whilst Matt has Imogen (Immy) and Zac. Joshua and Immy actually smile when they see me and offer themselves for a hug, kiss nad cuddle from me. Zac is too young as yet to even do more than eat, sleep and do wees etc. I didn't spend very much time with my own son when he was a baby I was working in theatre, My wife cheated on me with my best friend and work collegue and we split up with menot being allowed to have any conact with the lad. I never saw him as a grown-up either he was killed in an accident aged 7.Now I get the pleasure of having Steve as a surrogate son (he is about the same age as my son would have been) and I get to share his family too. I am known as "grandma" yes that's right Grandma to Matt, Daisy, Jermaine, and Zoey (Steve's own children) along with Sean, Daisy's husband, and everyone else in the family and Great Grandma to Joshua, Immy, Zac and soon Dan. I love them all to pieces and feel honoured to be part of their lives.

Well from this lot you can see I am doing ok and hope these feelings will remain with me for a while. Byeeee!

2011-08-08T01:58:00.000Z

02:05 am Still Awake

The time is as the title says and I'm still awake, I got to bed on Saturday night very late after having been in Birmingham visiting friends, slept fitfully. Sunday, been in a lot of pain, every bit of my body hurts, all my joints ache and the gentlest of pressure on them makes me feel like screaming. I've taken all the painkillers I can for the day, so far very little relief. Went to bed to watch television as I have freesat in the bedroom, and I fancied watching some Food Network programmes. As I said I'm still wide awake and hurting like f***. I'm not sure that I can cope with it much longer, no point going to see the doctor, he seems to take the attitude that "You're 65 so you must expect to slow down and be in pain" No I should not be in pain and hardly able to get about. I should be at least comfortable and able to plod along freeish of pain, able to walk at least a mile or so and not as I am, unable to walk less than 5 to 10 yards without having to stop for a minute or so because I hurt so much. I have fallen over in the house several times in the last week, fortunately I've managed to fall onto either the bed or sofa or have been close enough to a wall so I could steady myself, when I fall on the floor I'm snookered as it's an enormous struggle to get back up onto my feet.

Had a fabulous time last weekend with Putteridge Bury G&S company at the International G&S festival in Buxton, we took the G&S Sketch Show. The show was a success, we were the second show in the newly refurbished Paxton Pavilion. Putteridge Bury are repeating the show in October at the Queen Mother theatre, Hitchin, can't wait! My role was/is assistant director for the show. The company is great to work with, they take direction with flair and interest, and are willing to learn. I might one day in the distant future get to direct a production for them, maybe not a G&S show, but one of the alternative productions they do, (G&S in spring, something different in autumn).

Right I'm going to have a cuppa and try getting back to sleep, think I'll take more painkillers too after all I might get enough relief and drift off to sleep. HA HA!

2011-06-20T18:54:00.000Z

Depression Raises Its Ugly Head

After what seems a fairly long time my depression or Purple Doom has revisited me, ever since Saturday evening everything feels dark, dank and dismal. Despite having things to look forward to e.g. the G&S Sketch Show at Buxton's international G&S festival and other performances, along with hopefully another trip to France later in the year back to St Omer and Calais to shop and enjoy good food and wine etc, I'd rather right now shut myself down and hope to pass quietly into oblivion.

David Cameron our wonderful Prime Minister is a pratt. On Father's Day he declared in the press that "All absent fathers should be ostracised in the same way as drink-drivers are. He failed to say that there are many mothers who desert their children too. In some cases the desertion is for the better, I wish my father had deserted my mother as it would have meant I would not have suffered many years of sexual and physical abuse by him, his friends, our local RC priest who I went to for help and my headmaster too, I wasn't believed just abused by them too. All I can say to Mr Cameron is GET A LIFE AND GET BACK INTO THE REAL WORLD.

2011-06-16T18:33:00.000Z

Hells Bells I've Got Back Into My Blog

Wow for over a year now I haven't been able to get into this blog to update it, so I started a new one. Every time I tried to log in to write a new post it wouldn't let me get further that a blank page.

Well life has plodded on, my mobility has gotten worse, meaning I have used my electric wheelchair, and manual wheelchair far more. Depression-wise things have been somewhat better, still getting extremely bad times but they don't seem to last so long and are easier to cope with that they have been for a good few years.

I am still doing amateur theatre, only a couple of shows a year acting as prompter for Wolverton Gilbert & Sullivan Society, this year they did the Broadway version of Pirates of Penzance. I had 1 prompt in the run and thoroughly enjoyed watching the show night after night (I would have loved to have been back onstage performing). I have been asked to and accepted the role of Assistant Director for another company who are appearing at this year's International G&S Festival in Buxton, Derbyshire, UK. The company are performing a "Sketch Show" using music and Lyrics from all the operettas showing 'Love between an older man and younger woman, food, magic, love of a young woman for an older man etc. I'm having a ball!

More to follow shortly, so long as I can get into this blog again lol!

2009-11-29T15:19:00.001Z

Nearly a Year Has Past -

So Where Has 2009 Gone? Part 1

It was in January that I last updated my blog. At long last I feel well enough to give you something else to read. It really has been a year of ups and downs, good days and very bad days (sometimes bad weeks/months) with physical and or psychological problems combining to make daily life a struggle to cope with.

A friend who is in the same position as me has a wonderful saying when asked "How are you?" If they are having a bad time they always reply "I'm having a bit of a twinge" This response means in truth "I'm hurting like hell and don't know quite how I'm going to get through the day or how ever long this pain is going to last" I've adapted this saying "I'm having a heck of a twinge" when I am really having to struggle to keep going!

Having said this though, I am I know, surrounded by great friends who come to my rescue and help me get through these bad times. They also hopefully enjoy the times when I'm feeling well and we have fun together.

Steve and I had a few days in Calais in March which included a day trip to Disneyland Paris, I have always said I would never drive round Paris but you've guessed it Steve managed to get me to do it. I couldn't help but cry like a baby when we entered Disneyland as it brought back wonderful memories of my visits there with Richard my best friend for nearly 30 years who died in 2000. Steve even managed to get a photo of me in floods of tears. But what a fab' day we had, as I was using my wheelchair Steve pushed me all over the parks and got me onto a couple of thrill rides I had always in the past refused to go on due to me being a coward. The Rock and Roller Coaster ride was amazing going from 0 to 60mph in less than 3 seconds caused me to make a comment that a good boy shouldn't even know!! I loved every minute of the visit. Shopping was the main part of the whole visit and we both realised that my lovely Peugeot 1007 was a tad to small to cope with what we bought.

2009-01-21T20:29:00.002Z

Moving On

Today I had my last meeting with my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse), I've been seeing him for the last few months since he took over from the team in Milton Keynes. He's referring me back to my GP who will, if needs be should I get so depressed that I need more specialist help pass me over to a newly formed group called "Changing Minds". This group will be acting as the 'first line defence' helping people who suffer my type of depression and anxiety problems, they intervene quickly to help prevent patients having to be referred to the crisis teams of the mental health department of the local primary care trust. I'm glad that at last I've been moved on I am so much happier in myself and feel I can cope far better that I ever did in Milton Keynes. Steve called round earlier and I filled him in with what had been discussed, in chatting we both came to the conclusion that there was one major event that was the trigger to my being hospitalised in Dec' 06 and that the move to Northampton has been a major help in my recovery and my ability to cope with the phases of depression and anxiety I still suffer from time to time.

Physically though things aren't so great, I was going to go down to London for a couple of days today, however I've been in a lot of pain, getting round has been difficult. Every part of my body aching and parts are sensitive to touch, I seem to have itches all over too, I want to keep rubbing the itches but that only seems to make the itching even worse. I've put cream on, it has given me a smidgen of relief but not a lot. I guess that a trip to see the doctor is in order to see what if anything can be done to ease my physical problems or try to get more help in being able to cope.

The weather is very mixed we've had days and days of below freezing temperature or milder days when it seems almost balmy, for over two weeks the temperature failed to go above 0C since then up to 9C or even 12C. Last night it went back to -4C again. I awoke to the view of my car trying to change colour from blue to a shade of white with a hint of blue to it and that was at 10:30 this morning. Hey ho I expect it will be a day for wearing my swimming trunks tomorrow hehe. The cold temperatures we have had are nothing compared to those suffered by my on-line friend Ginger in Ontario, Canada, there is has been as low as -28C rising only to about -10C once in a while. I could never cope with that sort of cold.

Well I'm off to take another strong pain-killer with the hope that I will feel comfortable enough to get a good night's rest tonight so bye for now.

2009-01-11T12:14:00.002Z

Things that vanish!

About a month ago I was pottering about in my bedroom when for some reason I decided that I really should recharge my ipod, I disconnected it from the portable speakers ready to take back into the sitting room. Not sure what distracted me it might have been a phonecall but distracted I was. Now since then I cannot find my ipod anywhere, between us Steve, Deej and I have turned the place upside down and inside out and we can't find it at all. Today I went to use my nail clippers they live in a drawer in the sideboard. Guess what? They have vanished too. When I was a child if anything went astray my mother used to offer a prayer to St Anthony the missing items usually turned up eventually. Prayers offered to said saint recently have fallen on deaf ears!

Christmas was quiet, the day itself was spent at Steve's where a good time was had by all. Got too see Gary just before the New Year festivities and gave him his Christmas gifts both of which he was delighted. I wore his gift to me a fabulous Police brand designer watch, I love it and will wear it on special occasions with my dress suit. New Year itself was as usual seen in by me tucked up snugly in bed listening to the radio, it was only the fireworks set off that disturbed my slumbers.

The Daventry Express (known locally as the "Gusher") followed through with their article about Eydon Players pantomime in their Christmas Eve edition, I am very pleased with it, lots of photographs along with an interesting article which included quotes and references from Judith, Geoff and myself.

The weather in the UK has been COLD sometimes way below freezing last week it was minus 8C, Today is about the mildest it been for nearly two weeks, I wonder how long the slightly warmer weather will last. I has been so cold that the government paid out a Cold Weather Payment £25 which has increased from £8.50 a week, the last time I received such a payment was several years ago. So that is an extra payment towards my electricity bill all I need to do now is get a man in to show me how to light my gas fire which has me and several friends baffled on how to get it going.

Oh well time for a cup of coffee and a slice of cake methinks so a Very Happy New Year to all of you that read this blog, Your comments are always appreciated

2008-12-22T15:46:00.002Z

It's Bah Humbug Time Again

Yet again it has been a couple of months since I updated this blog of mine so I guess an update is due. Christmas is a time I really dislike, way too many people spending too much, full of false bonhomie towards everyone, loading their supermarket trolleys so full that you would think the stores were closing down for at least a week instead of about 36 hours at the most. I am not a Christian believer but all these so-called believers seem to have forgotten what Christmas is actually suppose to be about. It is not about spending as much as possible on gifts or getting blotto it is about the birth of a child who if you have the Christian faith was/is your Redeemer.

Since the pantomime ended I have been trying to keep busy doing bits and bobs each day, I I've been down to David and Greg's a couple of time and stayed overnight. made sure I've relaxed, read, watched tv and tried to ensure I've eaten fairly regularly too. BUT the purple gloom has been ever present, sometimes I'm just aware it is there at other times it is almost as bad as it was two years ago when I had my breakdown, I'm not sure whether the depression is due to me having no show to concentrate on or if it is partly because I'm having more problems with my mobility, etc.which or whatever is the reason it is getting harder to cope with most of the time I just want to lock myself away in bed and hope that when I'm asleep I don't wake up again.

2008-10-19T10:35:00.002Z

It's Been A Hard Week

Or perhaps I should say a hard five days. After writing my blog last Tuesday I popped into town to sort out finances at the bank, I was feeling fairly chipper so decided to pop over to Milton Keynes to see if I could get any goodies from Let's Eat and perhaps a book or several from Waterstones, and perhaps treat myself to a coffee/hot chocolate at one of the Starbucks coffee bars too. On arrival decided that I felt strong enough to take a very slow stroll through the mall instead of using Shopmobility. This eventually proved to be my total undoing. Got up to Let's Eat to find they had very few American treats in-store, left feeling very let down. Off to Waterstones, here better luck got a book one of the Monsieur Pamplemousse series by Michael Bond, Starbucks next door was heaving so gave it a miss. Somehow found myself browsing in Hotel Chocolate instead...(say no more). Krispy Kremes seemed to call out my name as I passed so in I went, a dozen doughnuts later off into Marks and Spencer's and back to the car.

Once in the car I checked the time and was horrified to find it was 3.00pm It had taken me 3 hours to get round the mall and as I drove home I realized just how much I was hurting, every joint ached, making the journey painful. Home about half hour later and struggled to get indoors, settled down and once my painkillers took effect drifted off into a state of being not quite asleep nor awake either. Woke a couple of hours later to the phone ringing, tried to get up and promptly fell over, luckily back onto settee, instead of the floor or coffee table, I was in so much pain, my legs felt stiff and difficult to move. Once again I had tried to do too much walking when I should have used my brain and used the Shopmobility scheme in MK! Gary also rang, we had a good gossip (put the world to rights as usual!) and I explained how I was feeling, he sounded quite concerned and hoped I would feel better in the morning. Went to bed after his call, took a sleeping pill and had a good night's sleep. Wednesday morning though I could hardly move I struggled to get up and get about, every move was slow and painful, Steve called round for a chat and on his advice I let Judith know I wasn't up to going to rehearsal, that evening. Spent the day and early evening trying to rest up, Gary called up to check on how I was coping, I know if I'd asked him too he would have driven down to help me despite having had a long day at work if I'd needed him too. I am very lucky in the amount of friends I have that are willing to put themselves out for me if I need them too. Steve, my number 1 friend and carer, Gary in Brum David and Greg in London all make my life easier and safer by me just knowing they are there and caring for me. THANKS GUYS LOVE YOU!!

Friday saw me being a twit again, went to see David and Greg and yes walked too much again this time round the West End in London, also went to Whole Foods Market for some treats, David insisted I used the shopping wheelchair there with him pushing it, what bliss both floors covered in comfort. Had a great journey home until junction 10 of M1, got delayed by an accident that had just occurred, if that hadn't been the case I would have covered the 70 plus miles from Clapham in under an hour and a half, a record time!

Saturday spent recovering from Friday's exercises as today is too, I am getting fed up to the back teeth with not being as mobile as I want and need to be as it means I either cannot do or have to ask someone else to do things for/with me I like to be independent, go my own way in my own time, now it seems I am going to have to ask people to help me with things and I really hate that.

On lighter notes, Minerva is a lovely feline who still insists on getting into mischief, she has taken to being quite skittish, at times she races round the house at what seems like breakneck speeds, making emergency stops just before crashing into the door to the garden, leaping up and spinning round only to scurry back into the bedroom and under the bed returning a couple of seconds later. Sara and Richard now know the expected child is a girl and have chosen a name for her I can't remember how to spell it but it is that of one of the females in Les Miserables of which Richard is a great fan, I can't wait to be an adopted grandma again, I must be getting old and dotty I'm starting to vaguely like children! OH HORRORS!

2008-10-14T09:19:00.002Z

The Illusions Chair is Almost Ready!!!

As I wrote in my last blog this year's pantomime at Eydon is hopefully going to be a cracker. One reason for this is that we are performing a couple of magical illusions in it, at last night's rehearsal Richard Oliver brought over the chair for testing. All I can say is WOW it looked good and worked (which I never doubted - despite Richard being a tad nervous about it all) so once it is tarted up with a couple of coats of varnish on, along with the cloths that will be used it should cause a bit of, if not a big sensation during the performances. Thank you Richard for working so hard and so fast on this project.

Rehearsal went fairly well, with almost everyone in attendance, the company got down to some hard work and we giggled a lot too. Got to knuckle down to devising the musical numbers now so next week could be a hard slog in getting my company, almost all confess to having at least 2 if not 3 left feet into moving in some semblance of a dance routine. I know they will pull it off eventually but it will be hard till then.

Autumn has arrived and as I look out from my lounge window the large tree behind the houses is gradually turning from deep green to shades of red and rust before shedding it leaves making the area look a delight for the eyes. The sun is shining, the sky is a pale shade of blue. So quoting Robert Browning "All's right with the world!" Even I feel fairly good too.

2008-10-12T16:30:00.002Z

It's Been a While

I've just today realized it is virtually 3 months since my last update on this blog about my life. I could excuse myself by saying not much has happened but that wouldn't be being honest to either you, dear reader or myself. As truth to tell quite a lot has been going on. First the Eydon Players pantomime read throughs and auditions took place in late July (more about the show later).

The purple mists have kept coming and going sometimes faster than at others, As I write I am feeling quite chipper, not quite to the level on which I'd prefer to be, but certainly coping quite well. Physically things are not so good, mobility is getting worse, I find it hard to walk very far, some days even getting from my bedroom to the hall, let alone out to my car, Last week I was determined to go to MK as a treat, I wish I'd either asked someone to join me, (to push my wheelchair) or used the local Shopmobility scheme, me being the bloody-minded stubborn old fart that I am I eventually got round the centre by foot, by the time I'd driven home I was completely and utterly shattered, so much so that I had to cancel going to rehearsal Wednesday. In fact I spent Tuesday evening, all of Wednesday indoors either resting on my recliner-sofa with my feet up or struggling about the house in my wheelchair. It is now Sunday evening and I am still suffering! Perhaps from now on I'll be sensible and stop being such a stubborn, bloody-minded old git!

Now about the pantomime. Eydon Players asked me to once again direct for them, we are deep in rehearsals for Aladdin, performances 3rd to 6th December. The Players have assembled a great team of performers and crew for the show. The script readings were very disheartening as so few people turned out for them and by the time auditions came along I was prepared to tell the committee that they should consider cancelling the show as it would be impossible to cast due to the lack of actors. Oh Boy! was I made to look a twit, prospective actors seemed to come out of the woodwork and casting was much easier than I'd imagined, yes I had some difficult choices to make and disappointed some members of the society, but I know we have gathered a top-notch company in the end.

Andrew at Carousel in Leamington is supplying wonderful costumes for the show, some brand new that he designed last year along with several designed by Cecil Beaton for the 1963 Royal Opera House production of Turandot, they are quite stunning. Richard Oliver is designing a couple of illusions for the show both of which I think will amaze the audiences in the Village Hall come showtime. We have a new Wardrobe Mistress (Jo) who despite never having done the job before is really coming up trumps. Judith, Alan, Geoff, Todd, Don and Hilary too are all seemingly making light work of everything they turn their hand to in making Aladdin the success I know it can and will be.

Steve has been struggling to sort out his car, he bought it earlier in the year and it has been nothing but a problem to him, several things going wrong with it and all costing a fortune to fix. At last he has taken the bull by the horns deciding to sell it a get one on lease through Motability. WOW what a nice car he has chosen too. A Mazda 6, I've only seen photos of one so far very impressive. He has insured me to drive it but I'm very nervous of doing so, it is a car that goes like the clappers along with being enormous

Steve continues to be my steadying influence, he keeps me going both mentally and physically by just being there whenever I need him. It doesn't matter what time it is he is there for me. Thank you Steve.

2008-07-10T19:43:00.002Z

Seems an Age Since I last Wrote

Well it is at least six weeks since my last epistle and I'm glad to say the "Purple Fog" lifted albeit eventually. Since it lifted I have certainly been feeling a lot better (OK there have been some down times but nowhere near as bad as it was). Steve seems to think that part of this feeling better has to do with me actually eating more regularly, I now try to have a reasonable breakfast, sometimes a proper full meal at lunchtimes at others perhaps soup and a sandwich, saving my 'full meal' till the evening. I am also finding that by eating like this I'm not throwing away as much food as before.

My birthday this year was a really quiet affair, unlike last year's housewarming cum birthday do. I had a quiet morning except for Steve and Deej ringing me at the crack of dawn, (actually 09:00hrs) and serenading me with a rendition of 'Happy Birthday'. Julie my niece came down mid afternoon and we went out for a nice early meal at one of the Buddies chain of US diners here in Northampton, this was followed by a trip to see Steve, Deej and family for a good old-fashioned gossip.

I am now a fully-fledged member of Eydon Players committee and am looking forward to starting read-throughs and auditions for the pantomime later this month, Peter is quietly reworking some of the script for me, It is a shame he and Carrie won't be able to do more in this year's show but they have committed themselves to a trip to Nepal to work in an orphanage there I really admire them for taking this on and know they will be of an enormous benefit to the place.

This summer not like the summers I remember as a child way back in what at times seems the dim and distant past I remember long, hot, sunny balmy days spent from my 12Th birthday till my 16Th lazing on the beach in Selsey or on holiday somewhere, this year we have had some good hot sunny days but right now it is RAINING yet again, something did go amiss the past 2 weeks (Wimbledon fortnight) it was sunny, dry and comfortably warm, normally it rains for most of the event. As I don't have any holiday plans set out I'll just go with the flow and enjoy when I can sitting out either on the front stoop or in the back garden of my still wonderful bungalow.

OK enough of my wittering on about everything and nothing. I'll write again in the not too distant future. Bye for now.

2008-05-25T10:13:00.002Z

Here I Go Again

Yet again after a break from feeling depressed and suicidal the deep purple fog has descended. I have been feeling yuck for a week now. I know part of this depression is due to the play having finished but I don't think that that is the only reason. It started last Monday and I thought "Oh well I know what is causing this and I can cope" by Tuesday I was so down I hardly managed to get out of bed despite having slept really well. Got up at 8:30 fed Minerva and went back to bed till just after 13:00, stay up till about 17:30 when I took a couple of sleeping pills and returned to the safety of my bed sleeping again till sometime in the wee small hours when I needed to go to the toilet, back to sleep then till 9:30 or so. During Tuesday afternoon I rang Steve, he was not surprised to hear I was bad commenting "Oh it's come on earlier than I expected I thought it would happen tomorrow" GOD HE KNOWS ME SO WELL!!!!

Joined Steve, Deej and Nick (whose birthday it was) for a meal at Lunchbox Wednesday then made myself go off to the cremation in MK of a very dear friend, Stuart Pemberton he suffered a major stroke about 18 months ago and never really recovered, then a couple of weeks ago had another one but he wasn't found for about 48 hours then in hospital suffered a heart attack. Stuart introduced me some 20 years ago to the delights of amateur theatre in MK when he got me involved with MK G&S, MKAOS and Company MK a couple of years later, I also worked with him on many other musical shows where I acted as his Stage Manager or personal assistant looking after him when he was playing in concerts. Stuart encouraged you to do your best, he gave sage advice, never made you feel anything less than his equal in any way, respected your talents and allowed your failings to be there, always seeing the best in everyone too. Stuart I'll miss you but will remember all the times we had together.

Had a meeting with the Eydon Players committee Thurs eve to discuss Aladdin and how I envisaged the production, I am using a Ken Branchette script again, it needs some re-writing to update and localise, so I'll be in touch with Peter once he returns from his short vacation. I must also contact with Becky who has agreed to be the MD to sort out the musical numbers.

Despite all the purple fog surrounding me some good things have helped me cope, last night out of the blue Gary rang just to see how I was, as usual just hearing his voice lifted my spirits, we chatted for at least 30 minutes talking about anything and everything. Like Steve I'm so glad he is in my life both of them accepting me as I am, both in their own way loving me despite my failings. While in Eydon I called in for a chat with Robin to see how he felt now that Theft was over, later when I got home found I'd received a very nice email form him full of compliments and thanks for helping him in his debut in theatre. I must reply over the weekend. Another good thing was I had a letter from Northampton Council saying my tenancy here has been upgraded from 'Introductory) to Assured which means I am a fully-fledged tenant and cannot be evicted unless I do something totally stupid and I ain't that daft I hope. I have been here a year and still love the place!

It is a typical Bank Holiday here in the UK. Yup that's right It's raining well no that's not quite accurate it is positively throwing it down and has been all night (Saturday), a strong wind is blowing too. Guess where I'll be then? Correct! tucked up inside my delightful bungalow possibly eating some nice food (well maybe, food is not the main thing on my mind as usual) perhaps even having a couple of alcoholic tipples too I have a very nice rose Sancerre that has been chilling in the 'fridge for a while that seems to be calling my name frequently along with other spirit type drinks so what the heck, I'll listen to my Itunes, watch some tele,read and hope the purple fog eases.

2008-05-19T17:19:00.002Z

Eydon Players Score Another big Hit

The spring production of the Eydon Players was a huge success! The three performances were very well received by those who attended, the opening night was small only about 30 people but the remaining two were capacity (75seats). Even by the interval the remarks being made by the audience were extremely complimentary both to the company on stage and to the overall production itself.

I watched the show each night from the rear of the hall, my fingers crossed along with any other parts of my anatomy that could be crossed as well. I need not have worried the audiences picked up on the play's drama and humour, laughing steadily throughout the performance in all the right places, the company really did me proud the play was everything I had hoped it would be.

Friday evening saw the local National Operatic & Dramatic Association representative there, she was most impressed with the show, hopefully she will pass my details onto other companies in the East Midlands region thus meaning I will have the chance to direct productions with other companies.

After Saturday's performance we had the Cast Party, with all our friends and family members attending. Julie my niece, with Kevin her partner, Julie is the only part of my natural family that is in touch with me was there, so I was very happy that my Northampton family Steve, Deej, Daisy and Zoey were all there too rooting for me. Matthew, Chairman of Eydon Players thanked everyone involved with the production and waffled on about my work but to be honest I was feeling so dazed and tired that I didn't really hear what he was saying about me. the company presented me with a bottle of red wine a thank you card and £25 of theatre vouchers which was very kind of them.

Steve made sure that I ate some of the food that we had all provided, even though I was not really keen on doing so as I was as usual not hungry. Steve also insisted that I went to his place for dinner on Sunday where we had a delicious home-made Shepherds pie prepared by Deej. other than that outing I spent my day lounging round the house recovering from a hectic few months, Monday has been spent in the same way too.

Thank you Carrie, Tim, Sue, Robin and last but not least Alan for being such a great cast in Theft. Thanks also to Peter, Judith, Ann for working backstage and the committee of Eydon Players for allowing me to direct Theft and giving me the chance to direct the 2008 pantomime too.

2008-04-29T19:57:00.002Z

I Love It When A Plan Comes Together!

Those of you who remember the 70's tv show "The A Team" will also remember the title of this update of my blog. It was the favourite saying of their leader played by George Peppard. And it really applies to my great company of actors who belong to the Eydon Players. "Theft" the production that I'm directing is coming together so well. We have just four rehearsals left before the 'Technical and Dress' rehearsals then it is opening night. Of my five actors, Tim, Alan, and Carrie are all very experienced performers knowing their way round a script and a stage, Sue and Robin newcomers to both the company and the stage, and have done so well in taking direction from me and learning from the others in the cast the skills of stagecraft. From conversations with them it appears Sue has done a little previously she was in the pantomime last year, Robin though is making his stage debut in the play. I am chuffed to say their performances should be honed almost to perfection as will Tim, Alan and Carrie's in time for the dress rehearsal and opening night.

One of the hardest things to judge on stage in a comedy is exactly where the laughs are likely to come every performance, sure there are the obvious ones but as each and every audience is different so are the points where the big and smaller laughs will come. This means that having once in a while an outsider at a rehearsal who doesn't know the play reacts to what they see and hear for the first time as a normal audience does can be a great help to the company in judging their timing of dialogue and moves. Last night we had such visitors one of whom was a professional actor who was very impressed with how good the performances were at this point in rehearsals. I'm not sure I managed to hide my pride from everyone too well.

Went to MK general hospital for a check up at cardiology as a while ago I was having heart pains. Yippee they have found nothing wrong with the biological pump in my chest so have given me the all clear, the doctor did say my blood pressure was a tad high though and that I should keep on taking the tablets........ Shame the medics can't find a way of improving my mobility for me over the past few weeks since the end of Iolanthe I have been finding it harder to get about, my legs don't want to go where I want them to or for as long as I need them to, I keep on stumbling and nearly falling over when standing up for any length of time and have had to resort to using my old wheelchair indoors several times which I really hate having to do. when I go out I have my good chair in the trunk of the car to use if there are no mobility scooters available so at least I can get about and do what I want to do.

Minerva the cat has settled in quite well and now thinks she rules the house, deciding when she wants feeding, or cuddles etc, she has been out a couple of times but not gone far and rapidly came back indoors, she still has her totally crazy moments where she rushes round the bungalow like a raging banshee not making any noise but throwing herself about and doing the most amazing 'u' turns and 's' bends as she races from bedroom to lounge and kitchen and back again. She also gives me plenty of cuddles when she snuggles up on my lap or on the bad to sleep at night.

No more now so take care and I'll write more soon.

2008-03-16T12:25:00.003Z

Iolanthe Ends

Last night (Saturday) saw the final performance of Wolverton Gilbert & Sullivan society's run of Iolanthe, pleased to say the audiences were very good both in size and their reception of the production, certainly Friday and Saturday nights were full houses the other three just under capacity, hopefully this means the company made a profit. The 'after-show' party on Friday was good fun, everyone seemed to have bought food, Kim and Alan's Coronation Chicken (all 4.5 kilos of it) was eagerly awaited and vanished onto the plates of several members of the cast and their relations and friends. My contribution was 2 dozen original glazed Krispy Kreme doughnuts, I and Sue who came to see the show managed to get 1 each, the rest like the chicken vanished remarkably fast too! Thank you all for the bottle of red wine I received for enjoying myself sitting in the pit enjoying the show and hoping I would not be called on to do any work prompting anyone.

The dreaded chest bug has raised its ugly head again. I've got a very sore throat, am coughing frequently, plus finding lying down in bed difficult so I'm guessing I'll be trying to sleep sitting up for a few nights. Hopefully it won't be as bad as last time but only time will tell.

Only out 1 night this coming week for Eydon Players rehearsal then I'm clear till Wednesday after Easter, that is unless I decide to go mad and go out to have some fun!!

2008-03-14T10:57:00.002Z

Iolanthe, Theft & Cowardy Custard

Another month seems to have flown by so fast this year that either I'm getting very forgetful or I just can't seem to keep up with the pace of life as easily as I used to. I am being a "dirty" stop-out at night several nights a week keeping up with Iolanthe and Theft rehearsals. This week I'm out every night as Iolanthe is running at Stantonbury theatre in MK I'm prompting for that four nights and rehearsing Theft too! Boy am I tired at night when I get indoors, BUT as you can guess I'm overtired which means by the time I've sat and unwound a bit and toddle off to my comfy bed I can't sleep. I have resorted to taking a sleeping pill twice which when eventually I've woken in the morning I've had that dreadful fuzzy feeling in my head. Last night though I got home by 10:45pm made a mug of hot chocolate and took myself off into my bed straight away. Minerva decided that she, despite having slept most of the day would settle down on the bed too, trouble was that she went to sleep faster than I did (lucky cat). I woke this morning about 10:00am feeling reasonable.

Wolverton G&S company's production of Iolanthe is as good as I thought it would be, the audiences enjoying it. The mens chorus is very strong making the most of their first entrance in the show with the rousing "Proudly let the trumpets sound" Will as Strephon excellent I'm pleased he got the role. all in all this is a superb follow-up to last years production of The Mikado.

Theft is coming along nicely we have got Act one safely tucked under our belts and have started on Act two with a vengeance, everyone is working hard at learning their lines and moves I am really pleased with them all plus we are having great fun too, this really is a happy company, laughing and working hard at the same time.

My return to "treading the Boards" now seems possible with me doing the Wolverton G&S Summer show at Great Linford, having looked at the score and the libretto I feel reasonably confident that so long as Graham doesn't want me to tap dance or fly from the rafters I should manage ok. I've spoken to him about me maybe needing to use my wheelchair as he was fine with that so all being well July 3rd 4th and 5th should see me having fun on stage once more!

My mobility seems to be getting worse though and I'm finding it harder to get about most of the time. As usual I'm being my normal "bloody-minded self" and not using my manual wheelchair when I really should, it feels so much as if I'm letting myself down if I give in and use it either about the bungalow or when out and about where electric scooters are available. These feelings might just be that I have been doing too much of late so am just tired or it is that things are getting worse for me. Hey ho guess I better just go with the flow and carry on coping as best I can. Even going to the gym and doing my hour there is harder than before BUT at least I'm still doing it!

Northampton mental health team has at long last been in touch and I have had a cpn appointed to me his name is Dale, not actually met him yet but will do next week when I have my first appointment with the consultant, Steve is going with me to the meeting and will no doubt fill in for both of them all the details I either forget or try to omit when trying to make me appear healthier than I actually am.

Well it's just coming up to midday so I'm off to make myself look stunningly handsome for the orchestra pit and cast party for Iolanthe tonight and I hope to chat up a nice young man in the company so must look my devastating best!!!!! (ok so who am I trying to kid?) Byeeee!

2008-02-10T12:28:00.001Z

Hells Bells It's February Already!

Ok, who stole January 2008? come on now own up, where have you hidden it? So no-one is gong to admit to stealing it! Then I guess it was that old gentleman called Father Time after all. I am finding it very hard to come to terms with the fact that six weeks of 2008 have gone by already. It just doesn't seem possible that Christmas and New Year were so long ago.

I succeeded in finding a great cast for the Eydon Players spring '08 production of Theft, the read-through sessions went well, It was scary deciding just who of the ladies auditioning for the 2 female roles would be the winners, everyone gave good readings and I almost wished I could have double-cast the 2 roles if not even triple-cast them. The men were easier as there were only 3 men up for the 3 roles in the play. Had a couple of other men turned up then that could have been as much of a problem as the ladies were. Now the hard work has begun, last week we had a read-through of the cast company, in the second session managed to block Act 1 Scene 1 we will redo it again tomorrow then run it early next week going on to Scene 2 at the 4th rehearsal..

I am going to act as prompt for the Wolverton Gilbert & Sullivan Society production of Iolanthe in March and having been to several "company" rehearsals can say that it is going to be a very good production, if itis anything is if like last year it will leave me with very little to do during performances except sit in the 'pit' with a first class view and enjoy the music and words of a great set of performances by a very talented company, oh and learn even more about how to direct and stage a G&S operetta.

For those of you who may remember the last time I actually performed on stage, as President Franklin D Roosevelt in Annie way back in 2001. News! In July I am back on stage in Wolverton G&S's summer presentation Cowardy Custard. Don't ask me why I've chosen to tread the boards again 'cause I haven't the foggiest idea. I was a spur of the moment choice when I found out that the group were preforming the show when attending the first rehearsal of Iolanthe. I've chatted to Graham the director explaining that my mobility is never that reliable and that it could mean me being in my wheelchair for rehearsals and performance(s) he seemed ok with that so watch this space for further info on times, dates and ticket prices of performances.

A month ago Minerva, joined me chez 53 and has settled in quite well, still spends time lying under the seats of the recliner settee but now comes and settles on my lap too a lot more, She does have her mad moments especially just after having eaten. Her other mad run around sessions happen either just after I've settled down in bed or about 6:00am when she decides it's time for me to get up and give her food and or fuss. Despite these periods of scatter-brained scurrying or because of them she is endearing herself to me even more and I'm happy to have her with me.

2008-01-14T23:47:00.000Z

Who Is the Attractive Black Cat?

Just got home from an Eydon Players committee meeting where I gave the committee members my ideas for the production of Theft which I am directing as the company's spring production in May, plus I was appointed as director for the pantomime too. so I will be busy every Monday and Wednesday evening this year up to the beginning of December except for June, July, August and in those three months I will be working on the panto at home doing pre-production work. Although it is going to mean a lot of work and some sleepless nights along with many hours of doubts in my own capabilities I'm actually looking forward to all the work it entails. I have a first-rate production team put together for the play and am confident I can get a similar team for the panto. I have asked the committee to get scripts from David from a group he worked with in Essex, plus scripts written by the author Simon Brett, whose Rapunzel I saw in Chipping Norton a couple of weeks ago plus I am contacting my friend Ken getting him to send me copies of a couple of his scripts too. The only stipulation the committee put on me is that the pantomime must be very traditional version of a Fairytale.

Now to the answer to the questioning title of this blog. Just who is the attractive black cat? She is Minerva a female of 18 months to 2 years of age who now resides chez Brewer. She arrived last Thursday afternoon from The Algernon Trust which is an animal rescue charity run by a friend of mine, Jane. Her first few hours here seemed to freak her out somewhat as at Jane's she was surrounded by a great many other cats, kittens, dogs, foxes etc all of whom are cared for by Jane and her helpers. Whereas here she is the sole animal and thus was very nervous for her first few hours which all were spent cowering under the seat of my recliner settee. Slowly she seems to be trusting me and has come out from underneath the settee fairly frequently at least for food and toilet duties. Plus now she allows me to stroke her and even climbs up to settle on my lap every so often. She always comes out when I have visitors, I suspect to be nosey and give them either her seal of approval or disdain, so far all visitors appear to have been approved of! She likes her food, seems to prefer the tinned variety to the dry mix I put out for her, nevertheless both types are being eaten over time. She is also very good about using her toilet too. It seems strange having a pet again as it is nearly a year since Gershwin died, at first I swore I'd not have another pet but times change and the house was seeming empty to me. I really wanted to have another Isaac or Gershwin or even a new Gower all three of whom were dogs but as Steve kept reminding me I would have had too many problems keeping a dog exercised properly, hence the choice of a cat. Usually I have changed the name of the animal when I took over its care and named it in connection to a show I was involved with at the time I got it, but this time she came with a name that is right for both her and me, Minerva was the Roman goddess of The Arts so as theatre is classed as one of the arts her name already suited and fits her. Welcome to Northampton Minerva!

2008-01-05T22:49:00.000Z

I Went To See a Pantomime (Oh yes I did!)

Thursday morning I slept in till just past 10:00 only really waking up to the sound of of my landline ringing. It was Sandra from Shopmoblility asking me if I was available to do an interview on BBC Radio Northampton about where we are located above Greyfriars bus station and how dismal it is there. I was up and out like a flash oh all right like a sparkle then I did shower and that sort of stuff first. The interview went well but so far I've not heard it. I was otherwise engaged when it actually went out on air.

Off then to Eydon to meet up with Peter, Carrie and Gwen for our trip over to Chipping Norton to the delightful little theatre there to watch the professional production of Rapunzel it was good, bright, colourful and well played. the show has a slow first act which is due mostly to the plot having to be explained, it is not a well-known fairytale really. The "Dame" character was way over the top and far too camp for my liking, the Principal Boy played by a boy and very hunky he was too he could be my fairy prince any time he likes. Rapunzel herself nice, good stage presence and the Wicked Witch a sheer delight full of scariness and when defeated became 'nice' only because she had to a very professional performance. The knock-about duo doubled up as baddies too, excellent, full of fun. All-in-all a good show for the grown-ups but a tad slow and not enough slapstick for the kids. From there back to Eydon for a riotous evening in the Royal Oak for a meal 12 of us sat down to eat all enjoying the food very much. and the good company even more.

Rehearsals start for Theft in a couple of weeks and I have started to work out the rehearsal schedule all I need now is that I get the company I want to be my cast. Auditions at the end of the month.

2007-12-31T18:58:00.000Z

2007 A Year of Improvement!

Well it's New Year's Eve at 7:00pm here in Northampton, it's about 7C outside, damp and dark. However indoors it is a comfortable 23C, I've had a nice shower and freshened myself up in case a friend pops round about 8:30 or so for a cuppa and a gossip and maybe.........(who knows what). I popped over to see Steve and Deej earlier this afternoon and came away with a wireless keyboard and mouse for my pc, all I've got to do now is get under my desk and work out where my wired keyboard and mouse are connected currently and disconnect them. Not as easy as it sounds for me to do, but I'll do it! Watched Steve use his flight simulation game, impressive. He flew over Northampton and once he had located just where he was flying, he treated me to a circular tour by air so as to speak.

Looking back over the year as the title says it has been a year of improvement. My depressive phases have become easier to cope with, I am eating better and for the past week especially so, I've had what I call "real food" in other words proper meals, not just cups of tea and a couple of biscuits. But meals cooked by my own fair hand. I go to the gym and actually enjoy the sessions there. On good days I can walk further than I used to be able to and even a tad faster too. Unfortunately when the bad days occur I'm finding my mobility is worsening, just getting out of bed can be painful, and even getting about my fab bungalow a struggle, I've even had to use my old-fashioned heavy weight wheelchair in the house which is something I really hate to do. I go out far more than I did in Milton Keynes even if it is just to pop up the road to Tesco's for some odds and ends oh and to ogle at the cute male staff there. As dear Tony used to say (and I never really believed him, till I started shopping there myself) the quality of young male staff was and is very good to look at. (down boy!)

I am going to make some New Year resolutions, well more like New Year hopes and I won't feel too guilty if I don't manage to keep to them BUT I'm going to have a darn good try! 1, Keep to a sensible budget and save a bit so that I can get away for a good holiday late in the year. 2, Keep going to the gym, hopefully it will help me lose weight (I've lost about 7pound or so sofar!) and improve my stamina. 3, Continue to eat properly. 4, Say no to things I don't want to do. 5 Do things for me and me alone, not just because I'm asked to do something for someone else. 6, Write this blog more frequently.

To Steve and Deej along with their fab children, Jermaine, Matt, Zoey and Daisy a very heartfelt thanks for everything you have all done for me in this past 12 months in keeping me alive and encouraging me to try new things. I am indebted to you all so much.

And on that note I'm going to end for 2007. To anyone who reads this blog I take the opportunity to wish you all A Very Happy and Prosperous NEW YEAR and may 2008 be everything you need it to be to keep you healthy, wealthy and warm.

2007-12-27T13:00:00.000Z

And About Time Too!

This is my first entry for over 6 months! Things are so much better than they were 12 months ago when I was in Milton Keynes hospital having had a breakdown.

7 months or so ago I moved to Northampton, I feel so much better mentally, I still get days when things seem totally purple and dismal. These times are easier to cope with and I know I will get over the feelings of despair. Steve (who acts as my caring carer) lets me get on with my life as best I can whilst keeping a discreet watching brief. I know that if I get too ill either physically or mentally he will step in and get me the help I will need. I go out far more than I ever did in MK, I've joined a gym and try to go at least once a week, sometimes Steve comes with me to help me get the most out of the visit. I started going via a recommendation of my GP it was a prescription for 12 weeks at a cost of only £3 a visit. Now I've joined properly and for £19.50 a month can go as often as I like. I have a "Supergold" membership and can use all three council run gyms or pools whenever I wish.

Eydon Players roped me in (without too much pressure on their part) to act as an advisor for their annual pantomime, the director whose first effort it was, worked hard but failed in some ways to gain the confidence of the company and eventually (2 weeks before first night) I was asked to sort out problems that were causing difficulties for not only the director but the show overall. I would have stepped in earlier but felt I hadn't the authority to do so. I am happy to say that the show did improve and the virtually capacity audiences all left performances saying how much they had enjoyed the show. I have been asked to direct the May 08 production which will be a comedy called Theft. Also there is the possibility of directing the 08 pantomime too. So 2008 could be quite a busy year for me.

I have realised that I am a very lucky individual, I am not as alone as I have always thought myself to be. I have some remarkable friends who care for and love me for who I am and I know I can ask them for help whenever I need to and I will try to be there for them too.

To everyone Have a Very Happy NEW YEAR and I trust 2008 will be all you want and need it to be full of good things and few problems.

2007-06-23T00:05:00.000Z

1:00 O'clock and All's Not Well!

Yep it's past 1:00am and I am still awake, feeling depressed and thinking that there is very little in my life that is good, which I know is a load of cods wallop. Rationally in my head I know I am far happier now I'm in Northampton, having really remarkable friends and a niece that cares for and loves me for who I am. But I just cannot get that into my heart and get myself to believe that I am actually a likable person who people truly do want to know and even spend time with.

I have always been a pessimist, seeing the glass half empty, never as an optimist would see the same glass which to them would be at least half full. I was brought up believing that if things could go wrong, then guess what? They would. So anything that actually worked as it was meant to was merely a fluke and should not have happened.

Last December I had a nervous breakdown as you know and right now I'm terrified that I'm going to have another one. The down times seem to be increasing both in their length and severity, I try not to let Steve and others see how much I'm hurting but I know they can see it, I guess I'm not such a good an actor as I think I am. I try using cognitive therapy to combat the feelings and know I'm not doing too well, I use distraction techniques, and have even tried being positive and looking for the good things I have and can do. not very successfully though. The biggest part of my problems is food, which when you look at me you would imagine I eat like a horse and must be a greedy pig. Most of the time I don't feel hungry and will put off eating for as long as possible. Most of the time when I eat a meal I feel full after eating only three or four mouthfuls, Other times I can actually eat a proper meal, today for instance I ate a full sized lunch of fish, chips and mushy peas along with a mug of hot chocolate, it was a struggle but I somehow did it, however I have felt sick ever since. I know I drive Steve totally mad with my behaviour over food, I know I must eat properly to ease my diabetes in order to keep my blood sugar levels sensible and hopefully next Friday I will get some help/answers as to why I am the way I am about eating, I have an appointment with the Diabetic Nurse at the doctor's plus a meeting with my GP too.

I'm also not looking forward to tomorrow (Saturday). On the last night of Curtain Up on Murder, the play I directed last month, Julie, my niece and Steve both decided that as I'm 61 birthday on Monday (25Th June) and having moved into my new home I should hold a combined house-warming-cum-birthday party. I was asked by them to invite anyone I thought might come along while at the end of show do in Eydon. This I begrudgingly did as I really don't enjoy parties of any sort! I feel uncomfortable, shy and uncertain of how to behave whilst trying to make small-talk and that sort of stuff, plus not being a drinker of alcohol to that extent I don't enjoy seeing other people getting pissed and embarrassing themselves or me. Nevertheless the party is happening and I expect that I will enjoy it. Apart from my 21st birthday party (which mum and dad organised) this is only the second party I will ever have had. Yes I've been to other parties and had fun but have always wanted to leave as early as possible from them, such as maybe only 5 minutes after arriving, as I want to be back in the comfort zone of my own home with the door locked and me safely inside on my own.

Oh well 'c est la vie' as the French say !

2007-06-22T16:49:00.000Z

From April 07 till Now

What a couple or so months I've had! I no longer live in Milton Keynes, in a 1 bedroom house. Since 22nd May I am in the more ancient town of Northampton in a wonderful 1 bedroom bungalow it is great, NO STAIRS to climb every time I need the loo or go to bed or want to use the pc it has made such a difference to me! I took possession officially on the 7th May but then had to wait till I could get help with the costs of the move from Department of Work and Pensions Community Care Grant fund, They did eventually pay for most of the move including removal costs, plus the cost of a new cooker and a little help also with the cost of carpeting the new place.

Dear regular reader you may recall that the last few months prior to my move my health had gone down and that I was finding it very difficult to cope with even the smallest things. I can happily report that things have gotten better in many ways (not completely but certainly better than it was). Being nearer by nearly 20 miles to my friend and carer Steve is great if I need him in an emergency it only takes him about 10 or so minutes to get to me whereas before it was at least a journey of 40+ minutes before he get to me. So far I've not had to get him to me in an emergency. He has been so good to me, he guided me through the complexities of dealing with Northampton Borough Council, sat in on meetings with me with the assessment interview with the "Care" staff that are the warden's of the sheltered accommodation I now live in, I have a visit from a warden 3 times a week just to keep a weather-eye on me plus there is a cord system in the bungalow that I can use if I get into difficulties on a 24/7 basis. The only thing about the place that sorta bugs me a tad is that I have to 'Call in' to the control base when I go out and then again on my return. Overall though this is such a minor quibble that I don't mind too much and the staff that answer the call all sound like very nice people.

I have done all the business of registering with a doctor, informing all the appropriate government departments of my new address plus Electric and water companies too.

The area I now live in is an older part of Northampton most of the property I think was built between the wars with some newer places such as the street I'm in. this consists of some 60 plus properties a nice mixture of 3 bed houses, a block of flats and 'sheltered' bungalows these I estimate were built about 20 year or so ago. I am close to the town centre (2 miles or thereabouts) 1/2 a mile up the hill to the nearest large supermarket (Tesco's) if I go down the hill I go towards the city centre and have another supermarket. Plus the town centre itself which is easyish to get around too I usually stop off at Shopmobility and rent one of their buggy's and cruise round in that, Unfortunately I've yet to succeed in injuring any pedestrians especially the delightful little horrors that parents let run riot no looking where they are going.!!

2007-06-16T08:27:00.000Z

Eydon Players Spring Production is a Winner

The last edition of this blog was back at the end of May, there I reported that the play had happened and had been a success Below is a copy of the "review" written by Nanette Lovell the Regional rep' for the National Operatic & Dramatic Organisation of which eydon Players are a member.

"What talented group The Eydon players are -and what a superb play to select for their spring production. A strong cast, led by Tim Williams as the "Director" of the play the 'Eydon Next-the-Sea players is rehearsing! Excellent performances from the whole cast.

Director, Robin Hinton Brewer, kept the play moving at a cracking pace and must be very pleased with the end result.

this was a terrific comedy/thriller which kept the audience on the edge of its seats with much nervous laughter and gasps as one by one the characters were bumped off! Congratulations to everyone involved in this very entertaining production."

I can also happily report that the production has made the most profit the company has ever had for a spring production just over £900 or US$1800. last year the show performed made a whole £14 US$28. Hopefully I will be asked to direct another spring production for this talented group.

I have been asked by the director of this year's pantomime to help him as this will be his first attempt at directing, I've agreed to help but said I would rather be described as "Associate Director" rather than "Assistant Director" in all publicity as I feel this is a more appropriate description of how I will help David. We both see my role as that of a 'mentor' rather than assistant. So if I'd thought I'd be having a quieter autumn then I won't but I'd rather be doing something I enjoy than not having anything to do at all.

2007-05-30T09:52:00.000Z

The Play's the Thing

Well I know it's a while since Curtain Up on Murder was staged and lots of things have happened since the last performance on Saturday 5th May. I was and am so proud of the company they pulled out all the stops and each performance was a stunner! On the final night the local National Operatic & dramatic Association rep' at the after show party was extremely complimentary about the production. I am equally pleased to know that the show had the highest audiences that Eydon has ever had for its Spring show we played to 98.5% or thereabouts capacity!!So I think we made a profit!

Hopefully Steve, my friend will help me put some production photo's on here shortly as a small record of the efforts of the fab' Eydon Players company of my production.

Thank you everyone for letting me have so much fun directing you all.

2007-04-29T18:37:00.000Z

"Curtain Up on Murder"

Well this week is crunch week for Eydon Players and myself as it is Performance Time. We have been rehearsing since the middle of January and today was the last rehearsal over which I had any control it was "The Tech" or Technical rehearsal where all the lighting/sound effects are tested plus company entrances/exits tidied up and polished before performances begin. I have now handed the show over to the Stage Manager 'Jeff' as it is now his responsibility to ensure that the Dress rehearsal and subsequent performances all run smoothly and to time. It almost feels like I have given birth....

Ok not quite so dramatic I suppose but I've lived with this show since late last year trying to ensure I got the best performers that Eydon and its environs could muster, ensuring they knew what I was wanting from them in their performances the plotting of the stage directions, set design, lighting, sound effects etc. Now my work is done and it is all up to my Strong, Talented company to display their efforts to a paying public. It would be very unfair of me to single out any one person for individual praise so I will say that EVERYONE HAS BEEN SO MUCH FUN TO WORK WITH!!! we've laughed together, and almost cried too (Ann's loss of her Stepfather last week) Each rehearsal has been a pleasure to be at, the company has taken my guidance of their characterisations as I saw them with good humour, offering their own ideas of how they should play their role too, most of which I have taken on board and let them run with it.

WELL COMPANY THE SHOW IS ALL YOURS NOW THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME SUCH A HAPPY PRODUCTION
"NOW GO OUT THERE AND !! BREAK A LEG!!!"

2007-04-16T11:13:00.000Z

More News From Milton Keynes

Last Wednesday afternoon about 15:00 hrs I had a phone call from the housing department of Northampton City council to tell me that a 1 bedroom bungalow had come up that they thought I might be interested in. They couldn't let me into the property yet as it needs some renovation work doing but at least I could check it from outside, hopefully even look through the windows to get a basic idea of the layout to see if I thought it a possibility for me. Less than an hour later Steve and I were peering through lounge and bedroom windows and to say that I fell in love with it is a tad of an understatement, we also knocked on the door of the next door bungalow, introduced ourselves and were invited in to see just how the layout worked. The lounge and bedroom are both slightly larger than here, the kitchen smaller along with the bathroom, however the bathroom is a small wet-room, in other words there is no bath but a level entry to the shower. This means I won't have to struggle trying to get in/out of a bath any more YIPPEE! By 17:10 hrs I was calling the housing dept' again saying that I wanted the place. On Friday I received the formal offer which I duly signed accepting and posted back too.

You would think that I would still be on a nice high as my needs are being met quicker than I thought they would be BUT this morning (Monday) I am feeling very depressed, unsteady standing/walking etc. I wish I could find a reason for these low times then at least I could rationalise/justify how I feel but I can't. I know that these feelings will pass ,they usually do but in their own time and I will get back to a coping level again, (for how long?) At least these days I don't have to hide how I feel from the world at large, my friends all cope with me remarkably well and at Eydon where I'm directing the Spring play 'Curtain Up on Murder' they know that I will if feeling bad switch on my autopilot and do my job properly, if I'm on autopilot I don't just walk things through but I make sure that everything else is ignored except for what I need to be doing there and then.

Talking of 'Curtain Up on Murder' which I'm directing for Eydon Players is progressing well, considering I didn't have a full company till the 1st week of March and the role that hadn't been cast was that of the lead. Richard Oliver from Banbury was asked to do it for us and he agreed (after first checking me out on the internet to see if I knew what I was doing). Sally as his co-lead is giving her role an energy I haven't seen from an actor for a long time. Carrie is making the most of her character enjoying delivering several of the laughs within the script. Tim is having fun as the 'director' of the play within the play, Peter relishing his role as curmudgeonly caretaker. Sara delights in portraying the spurned lover, Faith as the stage manager who dies in act 1 gives her all and Ann who hasn't acted in many shows as yet is also having fun too. The company are great fun to work with, take direction with ease, feel they can come up with ideas of their own and if they work we use them instead of what I originally wanted to so. Eydon Players are one of the happiest company's I have worked with and I hope they will ask me to direct for them again soon.

I do have something else fun to look forward too, Steve, Deej and I are off to Calais this Thursday for an overnight stay and a shopping expedition in Cite Europe at Carrefour and Auchon (if I can remember where it is) supermarkets. This will I think be my vacation for 2007 as funds will be in short supply now that my move to Northampton has come through and I will need to buy some things for the bungalow.

2007-04-15T20:12:00.000Z

Last Week of the Vacation (About Time Too!!!)

Well if I haven't bored you yet with this episodic blog about my vacation last November I'm glad, and I hope you have found it mildly interesting at least.

The last week started with a trip to Disney-MGM getting there about 10:30 am, with me yet again using the wheelchair, I am so glad I spent the $170 or bucks on its hire as it meant I really could relax and enjoy the parks, if I'd had to walk round them I wouldn't have lasted more than a half hour or so before collapsing in a heap and wanting to go back to the house. Sue spent a lot of the vacation pushing me around as it helped her, giving some support to her wobbly legs. First item on our schedule was The Little Mermaid which we hadn't seen for at least 8 years or so, still as colourful and delightful to watch and the faces of the children as we left the theatre were a picture, huge smiles all round. I followed this with a ride on the Hollywood Tower of Terror, it was hard work getting onto the ride as wheelchair users stay in the regular line and the way into the hotel is up a fairly steep incline meaning it is hard to self-propel yourself in a manual chair BUT my luck was in and a cute, young man pushed me up the harder parts of the way plus he assisted me get back back to the sidewalk near the Beauty & The Beast show afterwards, where Mary & Sue had waited so that we could all go in and watch this fun live action piece. I was able to stay in my chair for the trip on the Great Movie Ride, Got a good position to watch the Hollywood Holly-day Parade in which all the cars were dolled up in festive dressings, I even managed to take some good photos too. The Lights, Motors, Action! Extreme Stunt Show which has been imported from Disneyland Paris was a bit of a let down, too much noise and stench of burning rubber from the tyres plus all a bit too obviously over-acted.

We joined the line for the 7:00 pm performance of Fantasmic and as ever with Disney parks gained a great view by being placed in one of the sections of the viewing area designated for wheelchair users and their friends. The show was as stunning as we remembered from 2002 from there we we wandered back to the Streets of America to see the festive display of the Osbourne Family Lights they were grand, plus the Imagineers at Disney-MGM periodically covered the visitors with snow.

Tuesday saw us up and out early for a return to Epcot first port of call was The Land to get Fastpass for Soarin' then to The Living Seas for the biggest highlight of the vacation for me I got to see my favourite mammals Manatees I don't know why but I am completely enthralled by these large, gentle vegetarian water- living beasts, they are to me as dolphins are to other disabled people, calming, uplifting, and just wonderful. I had been feeling a bit depressed for a couple of days, trying not to show it in front of Sue & Mary BUT after a few minutes watching these guys I felt great again. After our ride on Soarin' we left the park and drove to Publix supermarket to buy the ingredients for our Thanksgiving Day dinner.

Wednesday was Animal Kingdom, rode the Safari ride greatly improved since our last trip in 1999/2000. Followed this with a visit to the live-action short show Festival of the Lion King, still as stunning as we remembered it. Mickey's Jingle Jungle Parade very cheery. Next another highlight one of the first "soft opening" performances of the new show Finding Nemo partly devised by the writers of the stage musical 'Avenue Q' with acknowledgements to Jim Henson's Muppet type puppets. STUNNING!! is about the only word to describe this show and it is a MUST SEE even if you have to wait on-line for hours!!! We shopped till we dropped then started to drive home. somehow we missed our turning and ended up laughing our socks off adding about 30 miles to our drive, we manage to get lost at least once a vacation and hooting with laughter then all the way home.

Thanksgiving Day dawned and the three of us were up and sitting in front of the tele from just before 09:00 am ready to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade live from New York. This was the first time Sue & Mary had seen the parade pity it was raining in NYC but this didn't mar our enjoyment one iota. Julie Andrews and a host of other stars were in it, it was a spectacular as I remembered it from way back in the early 1980's when I did street interviews for the broadcast live on TV! Sue spent a lot of the day in the kitchen preparing our feast which turned out to be a lovely meal.

Saturday our last visit to a theme park The Magic Kingdom and the park was not as busy was we had anticipated, we managed to get into see Philharmagic twice during the day without having to use a Fastpass then onto Thunder Mountain roller-coaster Sue and I got to go round twice as the way the ride is laid out wheelchair users have to gotten back to the exit side of the ride from where they got on, as the car that they get into crosses over to a different loading bay on its first run round. I think we are both still wondering whereabouts on the ride our stomachs are hiding to this day! Did some more retail therapy watched to daytime parade ate a meal then returned to the disabled persons area in front of the Castle to watch Spectromagic the night parade followed by the firework display and finally back to our 'traditional' final ride Its a Small World left the Kingdom about 23:30.

Our last full day was spent mostly packing cases and praying we weren't too over weight hehe! We were oh so wrong. I went off to the club again to meet up with Chris for another evening of lust!!

USAir gave us great treatment again on our return journey via Philadelphia both flights arriving at their destinations early. I somehow managed to sleep almost all the way from Philly to Manchester but Sue & Mary were wide-awake all the way. Saw the girls off into their taxi and I was taken back to the bus station by a pleasant Sky cap to await my coach back to MK. A good time had by all and for me made so much easier and less painful because I used a chair to get round in. Thanks Girls when is the next vacation there planned for?

2007-04-09T09:52:00.000Z

Are You Still Going On About Your Vacation!

Er, um, well yes, I feel like telling you all about the good time I had.......So there!

Tornado Warnings for Central Florida...that was what the newscaster said as we watched the 11:00 o'clock news "You are advised to put all outside furniture in the garage or under cover if possible". Sue and I moved the chairs and loungers into the garage along with the car just enough room for all, battening down the hatches so as to speak. The wind had gotten up to good blowing speed by the time I went to bed at about 01:00. By 02:00 I was still wide awake wondering what it would be like, some years ago I was in Miami during a hurricane and having come out of that safely didn't feel too concerned about a tornado. Then it really started, a terrific flash of lightening, followed by a thunderclap so close and loud that the house shook and car and house alarms began all around the street. Rain lashing at the windows all-round the house and the wind well almost indescribable, I spent the next hour and a half or so watching the storm as it raged round Montego Bay Boulevard from either my bedroom window or out in the lounge, in the road the well-built storm drains could barely cope with the amount of water pouring into them, the water overflowed the sidewalk within a matter of minutes, thunder crashed, it was overall a scary, remarkable sight to see. Then it stopped almost as quickly as it started. The newscasters in the morning were saying that Orlando area only caught the edge of the storms, further up Florida it had caused lots of damage and as the storms had travelled from Alabama and beyond eastwards caused the death of at least 10 people, the storms then continued to travel northwards through the Carolinas, and Virginia reeking even more havoc!!.

With daytime temperatures now cooler (not by much, but enough to notice) we decided to visit Florida Mall to window-shop and perhaps spend too. Mary drove there which meant I could just relax and watch the world go by. window-shopping soon became a shopping spree for us all, I got myself 3 very nice polo shirts reduced from $52 each to $13 each along with a cool pair of pyjamas, and some underwear again all was reduced all from Dillards the US equivalent of say House of Fraser or John Lewis here. this was followed by Sue once again getting more value in free gifts than what she actually paid for in Macys! (Just how she does it I haven't the foggiest).

We went to International Drive to a classy restaurant for dinner it was fab' called Bergamos, serving Italian cuisine, with a twist....all the waiters are classically trained singers so with your meal you are entertained to songs from the shows, operatic arias, duets etc plus they do requests, the meal was great, the singing even better. Well worth a visit.

Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party! Even though the event was sold out 25000 tickets the Magic Kingdom really didn't seem that crowded. Included in your ticket price was unlimited large cups of hot chocolate and cookies. Special events were also laid on such as the Very Merry Christmas Parade in which all the floats had a seasonal dressing on them, special shows in the the Galaxy Theater, all the characters dressed in Christmastide gear, For a person who actually loathes Christmas with a vengeance unsurpassed even I found myself getting into the festive season spirit.

A quiet end to our second week lazing around the pool dipping in to cool down frequently. I spent the evening and some of the night at Parliament House a gay resort in North Orlando about 23 miles from where we were staying. while roaming the pool area I met Chris the guy in the wheelchair from Epcot, he had rented a ground floor room for the night as where he lived was shared with 4 straight guys. After both wandering round the rest of the resort for a while, taking in the drag show, having a bite of food and a couple of drinks we went back to his room for some pleasure. I never knew a guy without much feeling in his lower body could be such an active man in bed he was almost too much 'fo this lil ol white boy!' I eventually rolled home at about 05:00 with a huge smile on my face and a glow all over my body. Chris and I made a date to meet up again, which we did twice more!

2007-04-07T20:33:00.000Z

Depression Strikes Again

After I got back from my vacation at the end of November I found myself getting more and more depressed, eventually I was unable to cope any longer and wanted to die, or at least go to sleep and never wake again. December 15th was the worst day in my life for over 22 years. Tried to contact my cpn (community psychiatric nurse) only to be rudely told she was not available and that no-one could or would help me. Fortunately my niece Julie rang and hearing how bad I was feeling contacted Steve in Northampton, he it seemed literally flew here, took command of the situation and got me the help that I so obviously needed there and then! I was admitted to the local psychiatric unit in MK, The Campbell Centre at about 01:00 in the morning. I was petrified, panicked and so low that I was disorientated to where, or even who I was. I spent 2 weeks in the unit being cared for and helped back to at least a coping level. Since then I have more or less managed to plod along doing what I need to do and if feeling down just doing what I only had to do. One thing I have learnt is to say no to people when I feel the need.

To that effect I have stopped all involvement with the Expert Patient Programme and am concentrating on directing the Spring production for Eydon Players a thriller "Curtain Up on Murder" set in a theatre at the end of a pier somewhere on the English coast. I'll write more about this soon.

Physically my health seems to also have taken a downward route, I now have a heart problem to add to everything else, my mobility has decreased meaning I can hardly walk any distance now without either getting breathless or feeling pain.

In the past week I have had two major problems to try and help friends with, which meant emergency trips to Birmingham and Banbury. Hopefully I was able to be of help and support to the guys there, both of whom I love and care for very much. This was followed by a trip to the dentist in Coventry. I suppose some of my depression has been caused by me being tired and physically unwell but only a small part of it. I have been finding it harder and harder to cope for a couple of weeks or so at least.

Someone wrote that when they are feeling depressed they are having 'Purple Days' this is just how I feel, but the shade of purple is very deep and getting deeper. I honestly don't know if I can keep going for much longer. I am spending more and more time shut in doors with the blinds closed and the lights dimmed, and lying on or in bed. All I really want to do is either run away and never come back or just close my eyes and not wake again. This is scaring the faeces out of me as I don't want to be back in hospital again, that was if anything until I started to recover even more frightening. The staff were superb but the patients well......I know somewhere in the deepest recesses of my mind that I will start to get out of this purple haze but I'm not sure I can keep on struggling as and when the colours start to darken again.

2007-04-07T14:24:00.000Z

Long Time No Write 3

Seems like after having written part 2 I've got the writing bug so let's see what happened from the 1st Saturday of my extended vacation. According to the guy who is employed by Peter and Lyn to look after the house a part is being obtained asap for the pool which when fitted will ensure we have a warm if not hot pool to soak in should be installed on Monday, Tuesday at the latest. So today we snoozed by the pool drank copious amounts of cooling drinks, read magazines and generally relaxed till the evening when we put on our best bib and tucker for what we hoped would be one of the dining highlights of the vacation. Dinner at Fulton's Crabhouse in downtown Disney which Mary had booked for us before leaving the UK. The place was heaving when we arrived and its ambience marred by there being way too many children running about being typical unruly American BRATS! The staff pleasant, and helpful in getting me and Speedy to our table which was on the upper deck of the boat overlooking the lake. the food was good but as I say the overall experience marred by there being way too many families with unruly noisy (ie screaming) Kids.

LET THE MAGIC REALLY BEGIN!!!

If any member of your vacation party is handicapped I suggest you if possible download the Disney guidebooks for Disabled Visitors before you arrive or ask for a copy at Guest Relations at the parks. These guides contain a wealth of useful information!!!

Our first day of theme parks was Epcot/World Showcase. On arrival at the park's Toll Plaza and paying our $10 parking fee, the attendant spotted my Disabled Person's Blue Badge and directed us to instead of follow the "Yellow Brick Road" follow the Blue painted line on the highway. This is in all the Disney theme parks the way to get to the areas set aside for their disabled guests, thus it is closer than the other parking areas and is within easyish walking (pushing wheelchair) distance of the park entrances rather than having to travel on a 'road train' to a terminal area. Security is much tighter as you enter the parks these days, all handbags, etc checked by security staff some of which are really hunky even the female ones.

Traditionally our first ride is as we it call it a ride in 'God's Golf Ball' real name Spaceship Earth this is inside the huge ball and shows how man has progressed since the dawn of time right up to the present day, and a glimpse into the future. Being in Speedy we were directed to go to the exit of the ride in order to get on it, this happens on several of the older rides in all the Disney parks as the area is usually flatter and easier to negotiate for handicapped persons on the newer rides everyone uses the same entrance as facilities for those of us not able to walk far have been improved on some rides you don't even have to get out of your chair a cast member assists you on the ride and off at its conclusion. Then off to book our evening meal in The Land.

A new ride in The Land is Soarin' it is stunning you sit in a row as if in/on a hang-glider these are raised up and as the mist clears in front of you, you appear to be flying over the Golden Gate Bridge in California from then on you are treated to a flight over the state being raised, lowered, tilted are required by the film itelf, this is an absolute must do ride. we had 'Fastpass' for it and when we went on the ride there was a 70 minute wait for anyone who was just prepared to wait on line. The day continued with us going over to World Showcase, looking in the shops (some stuff better that in Downtown Disney but not a lot). plus another traditional treat a gooey 'Funnel Cake) a sort of batter cake deep fried and coated with icing sugar or fruit toppings (again to heck with my blood sugar levels!!) eventually we managed to get round the World to the China exhibit area to look for a jacket for Sue, Not a thing looked of a good enough quality. Finally back to The Grill in The Land for dinner, the restaurant revolves slowly as you eat you meal, which was good and plenty of it, the girls had a bottle of wine me as designated driver stuck to the 'bottomless' glass of soda, the meal is a 'Character meal' so throughout your dining you are entertained by various characters dressed in western gear, there was Chip and Dale, Goofy, Pluto, Minnie and of course Mickey Mouse all on hand for lots of photo opportunities.

Feeling replete we walked or rode in my case to Seven Seas Lagoon and into the special area set aside for handicapped visitors and their party to watch the nightly fireworks, laser and sound show "Illuminations" whilst waiting for the show to begin I got chatting to a handsome young man "Chris" who was from Texas and working at Disney on a 'work experience' programme from his university, he was full-time in a wheelchair as he was paralysed from the waist down. Both of us realised that our "Gaydar" was working overtime and got on really well together (more about that later.......Perhaps!). Illuminations was still a sight to behold I have now seen it at least 10 or more times in its various versions and it still brings tears to my eyes.

Monday week 2. Today we lounged by the pool again dipping in and out frequently (well it had been fixed by now) and in the afternoon Mary and I took a trip to a place I had wanted to go to since my first visit to Florida so 30 years ago. The Bok Sanctuary at Lake Wales, this is a gardens with a fabulous bell tower and carillon which was being played as we arrived, the sounds were just magical as we strolled very slowly round admiring the plants, birds and squirrels that all abound there, for sight that is so far from the hustle and bustle of the theme parks this is the place to go. Back to the house to change and pick up Sue then off for dinner at a Red Lobster restaurant for yet another good meal!

Tuesday The Magic Kingdom arrived there by Ferryboat from the Transportation and Ticket Centre, again parking using the handicapped parking area. First ride as ever "It's a Small World" with its theme tune known by us all as 'piss off song No1' this ride is still as twee as ever but has recently undergone a renovation so looks cheerier and has a few updates in the animatronics. New show where The Lion King show was based call Mickey's Philharmagic a superb 3D show well worth waiting on line to see (use a fastpass if possible). followed this with a ride on Splash Mountain, Mary and Sue were determined not to get wet so sat at the back of the boat..... Hehe guess what THEY FAILED! But managed to dry off waiting for the afternoon parade to start, 'Share A Dream' still running but with some alterations I got to shake hands with Captain Hook and one of the 7 dwarfs. Well by now you must be weary or reading so more later. Bye

2007-04-07T09:43:00.000Z

Long Time No Write Part 2

Sorry for the delay but lots of things have been going on over the past several weeks. But back to Orlando. After our arrival lateish on the Monday evening it transpired that our good intentions of having a lay in didn't happen we were all up and about "Bright-eyed and bushy tailed (well sort of)" by just after 6:00am. and by 8:30 my wheelchair was delivered by Mary the owner of the rental company, she comes from Leicestershire, living in Orlando for the past 17 or so she was charming and full of good tips for us. The wheelchair was brand new, so I christened it 'Speedy'!

Our first day was spent lazing around the pool (which was not heated, pump bust) but as the sun was shining and the lania warm, it was fine. The evening spent at Disney Market Place, The shops were a disappointment, the quality of merchandise had sadly gone down a great deal. Almost all the T-shirts all printed instead of being embroidered looking and feeling very cheaply made. Nevertheless all was forgiven when we called in to Ghiradelli's for out traditional Banana Split, it was scrumptious all both Mary and Sue could say to me was "God help your blood sugar levels"!!

Wednesday (3rd day) Breakfasted then started off for day trip to Daytona and St Augustine, I decided that it would be a more interesting drive if we went via 1A1 instead of I95 as this road was virtually a coastal route all the way. It was a lovely run not too much traffic. Stopped in Daytona for a coffee at a Starbucks then parked next to the famous Daytona Beach, we hoped to have been able to drive along the beach but the tide was too high so walked along it, fancy the 8th November walking on a beach in out shorts and T shirts, a gentle breeze blowing around us and several nice hunky guys sunbathing........(Down Brewer Down!). St Augustine is a lovely old town with as its claim to fame being that it is the oldest Town in the US. We took the little "Road train" tour which took in all the 'famous sites and buildings. An afternoon well spent. got home about 21:30hrs all tired so as Pepys said often in his diary "And so to bed".

We spent the next day doing what the girls do best that's right SHOPPING first port of call was the Beltz discount mall now called Prime got a couple of shirts and stuff, we followed this discount mall with a trip to the expensive one nearby Galleria at Millennia. What a difference this is super stylish, huge with glamorous stores such as Macys, Neiman Marcus etc. Sue succeeded in doing her trick of getting more value in 'free gifts' than she paid for the items she paid for, clever clogs! I wheeled about in my speedster think I passed my US driving test I only crashed 3 times and somehow missed hitting other mall users. As a prize I awarded myself a dip in teh pool when we got home, even though the caretaker hadn't fixed the heater it was still comfortable to laze in for at least an hour or so before it got too much and I looked rather like an overgrown wrinkled old prune.

Friday off to have a couple of rounds of golf.......Well truth be told 2 rounds of 'crazy golf' at the Disney Summer/Winterland site. Sue and Mary completed both courses, me only the first one, the Winter course, I felt in too much pain to stand any longer so I sat, drank a soda and chatted to some of the 'cast members' (as Disney staff are known) great fun. We followed this exceptionally happy morn with a drive to the Boardwalk hotel which is styled as a 1940's resort for hot chocolates and gooey cakes. Whilst there we saw a young couple dressed in their finery, looking fabulous having just got married in the Boardwalk grounds.

Celebration celebrates its 10th birthday!! Mary from the wheelchair co' told us about this happening this Disney built town also designed in a 1940's theme was celebrating Founders Day it was interesting lots of the town's schools, volunteer groups has street stalls offering tombola prizes, selling cookies, jellies, souvenirs etc. one of the funniest sights was one of the local schoolteachers being dunked by his pupils as they tried to knock him off his stool into a vat of tepid water by hitting a target with a ball. I think he felt too many of them were trying and succeeding but he took it all in good humour. a stage had also been set up and local performers all showed off their talents (or lack thereof) to an appreciative audience. food was devoured in a teashop named Sherlocks which had been featured in a documentary on British television in a programme about "Brits in Orlando) the food was plentiful, tasty all helped down with a pot of real English Tea!!. Home by just after 22:00 hrs. another dip in the pool (no heat) but warm enough for a splash about.

More to come sooner rather than later I promise.

2007-02-21T12:43:00.000Z

Long Time No Write (Part 1)

Hello I'm back!! well sorta, It seems several things have happened since my last Blog way back in the mists of time (okay last October). So here goes with Part 1.

The vacation in florida was great, starting with the journey up to Manchester by National Express, The Travelodge was excellent value for the stop-over £26, Steve had booked me a room aceesible for disabled twits like me and it was good the bathroom was actually a wet-room so that a wheelchair user could use both the toilet and shower easily. Monday morning I met the girls (Mary and Sue) at the terminal, called for the wheelchair I'd reserved and a pleasant young man pushed me in chair rith through to the boarding gate. At USAir check-in he took all three of us to the Premier Class check in desk where we were given excellent service, then on through the security checks, the line was ginormous, so what does our young man do? Well he bypassed the whole line by using a "fastpass route" this caused some comments from pillocks waiting on the main line and one guy really got up my nose by saying "Look at that! Bloody disabled get through first F.... cheek" I responsed that perhaps he would like to take my place and be in the chair for his whole vacation or life. He had the grace to grudgingly apologise then!

USAir also made the flight to Philadelphia as problem free as they could, The three of us were boarded first and the crew made sure we were seated and comfortable before allowing anyone else on the 'plane. On arrival at Philly we were the last off the flight but waiting at the plane doors was a wheelchair along with a delighful Pakistani USAir skycap who took over taking us through Passport control and Customs at a terrific rate of knots (we may have been last off the flight but we were first through all the control desks. Once through Terminal A we had to make our way to Terminal C which is a very long walk! Again our Skycap handled this with aplomb, at the junction of Termonals A & B there awating us was an electric buggy, which then propelled us speedily on our way to C. again the groundcrew took over boarding us again first onto the Orlando bound flight. We arrived in Orlando some thirty minutes early too! Skycap awaited us and whisked us through to the arrivals area, collected our luggage and took us down to the Dollar car rental desks where we checked out our chariot for the next three weeks of fun and frolics.

2616 Montego Bay Boulevard, was to be our home for the vacation, the house belongs to friends who also live in Sheffield, it was like being home-from-home as soon as Sue had worked out how to unlock the front door. Dumped suticases etc and sped off to the smaller local Publix supermarket to get stores in for breakfast the 1st morning along with tea, coffee milk etc.

End of Part One

2006-10-22T17:24:00.000Z

Did I Tell you? I am going on Vacation!

Of course I did! You must be fed up hearing me go on about it but there is only 2 weeks to go till I board the National Express coach direct to Manchester Airport and sign myself into the Travelodge for the night. There must me something wrong with me though! Yes honestly... 'cause I've already started to sort out my clothes for the trip and I don't usually do that until about an hour and a half before I'm due to leave the house! Do you think I should check things out with my doctor? Mary the Managing Director/Courier for Tricky Dicky Travel (dear Richard's name for his work when he used to organise our vacations) has done a great job designing a fun/restful/busy three weeks for us. She has included some new things too, a visit to an Italian restaurant "Bergamo's" where the waiters are all trained singers, so it will be sing while we serve. "Ice "at Gaylord Palms sounds fun too it is a Christmas type celebration all done with ice sculptures and at night there is entertainment too! the website says it is cold there however (9degrees F) and so it should be as the ice would melt too fast otherwise, warm clothes are provided though!! The Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party tickets also booked and paid for, and Fultons Crabhouse booked aswell (yummy).

Have been doing some marketing for EPP over the last few weeks too, and have been to some Flu days run by various GP surgeries, we now have a full course for October 30th, 10 people for January and 4 for Febuary 07 too.

Now for some sad news Marie-Louise my lovely Peugeot 1007 is not well some stupid woman decided to ram her whilst she was parked outside Bedford Street surgery on Thursday morning (19th Oct) and has caused a fair amount of damage to the nearside front wheel arch, bumper and door, I have a feeling the lot will have to be completely replaced! At least my insurance company have said I won't have to pay anything towards it as she was at fault, her insurance company Equity Red Star, won't be very happy though as she managed to rip the front bottom spoiler right off her Ford Escort too. I have through my lot arranged for Marie-Louise to go in for repair whilst I am away and if they need to deliver it back home then they have to contact Steve to make the arrangements.

Ready for my vacation I went over to Steve's on Friday eve to get my hair done I've had some cute blond highlights put in. I felt like a million pounds when on Sat morning both Linda (EPP) and someone else made nice comments about how good my hair looked!

Started planning the rehearsal schedule for Eydon Player's Spring show "Curtain Up On Murder" which I am directing, performance dates are 10th, 11th, 12th, May 2007 in the Village Hall, I'm aiming to start rehearsals on 8th January with auditions about 10 days later, all I need now is a good turnout for the read-throughs and auditions. I have in my own mind got a cast sorted but I'm keen for any and everyone to have a go for the roles. More info as it comes to fruition.

By the way did I tell you? I'm going on holiday shortly! hehe hehe!

2006-09-16T09:57:00.000Z

More Ups and Downs that a Rollercoaster!

As the title says my mood swings seem to have more ups and downs than ever, some of the time I feel I can cope with it, but yesterday (Friday) and so far today I feel drained of all energy and desire to carry on in any way at all. The down feeling crept up or should that be down on me during lunchtime and got worse as the afternoon went on. I had an EPP meeting which just dragged on and on without anything really being sorted except for the fact that I am taking the next course (if it comes off) from 29th of this month, with an unassesed tutor who is about as much use as a chocolate teapot and I suspect that I will have to do all the work of setting up the room etc as she will find every excuse under the sun not to do too much! I know that as tutors we all have a chronic illness that has to be coped with but for heavens sake, sometimes we just have to go onto a sort of "auto-pilot" system and do the bloody jobs that need doing to set up the course etc, then afterwards take time out to get ourselves back in working order for the rest of the week etc. Spoke to Steve last night saying how low I felt and agreed that I would speak to Linda (EPP) about the upcoming course, also agreed with him that I need to do stuff for me to help me cope and not do stuff purely for others cause they want me to. EPP is also about helping me cope with my long term chronic illness aswell as trying to help other sufferers. So its going to be "ME TIME" for a while I guess. I'm so glad I have someone like Steve in my life, he really is a friend. Thanks Steve.

Thankfully I have sorted out the last bits for my holiday concerning travel insurance and wheelchair for the stay in Florida. I have got insurance through Diabetes UK for a very good price £133 for an annual deal so that means I can hopefully pop off some else during the next 12 months too. I will have to keep putting my DLA care money away each month to make it happen though, but an overnight stay in Calais would be cool might even try and go to Lille instead. Mary at K-M rentals in Orlando has confirmed my wheelchair for the time the "Unheavenly Trio" (Sue, Mary & I) are in Florida and will take a cash payment of $176 for the 20 days I will have the chair. I'm hoping that for a lot of the time the chair will just sit in the trunk of the hire car but if I need it then I will have it available rather than hoping there is a rental one available at the various theme parks we will be going to. In WDW parks they tend to run out of chairs quite early and you have to pay a deposit (albeit returnable) every time you hire one and in some places the deposit is quite high!.

Now nearly 11.15 am and I feel as crap now as before I wrote this little epistle so I'm going to do what I need to do in order to try shake off this complete feeling of yuck, and that is shut myself away behind closed blinds, curtains and doors and try to sleep.

2006-09-03T13:21:00.000Z

4 Weeks and the Car is Wonderful

Well I've had "Marie-Louise" the car, for the grand total of a month as of tomorrow (4th Sept) and I am still really pleased with her, She is so easy to drive and soooo comfortable for me to both sit in and get in and out of. Thank you Gary for telling me about the Peugeot 1007 way back in January of this year and I'm well chuffed that you thought it a great car when we met up a couple of weeks ago too.

Not a lot else to report right now other than I have been comfirmed as the director for Eydon Players Spring 2007 production which will be a comedy thriller called Curtain Up On Murder, all I need now is an enthusiatic company for the peroformers!

I could be taking an EPP course (so long as we can get enough particiapnts) from the end of this month along with a couple of the newly trained tutors we have in Milton Keynes, hopefully we will be able to run several courses next year. On this course I feel sure we can get the other tutor(s) at least the 1st part of their acreditiation done.

61 days and counting till I blast off for sunny Manchester on the start of my vacation to Orlando Fl. I am going up the day before the flight, staying at the Travelodge at the airport overnight instead of travelling overnight from MK, a far more relaxing way to start the fun times with Sue and Mary in the US of A. All I have to do now is arrange for my wheelchair in Orlando to be delivered to the house on the 7th Nov' and my travel insurance too. MEMO to ME Do these jobs Monday morning!!!

2006-08-14T18:49:00.000Z

Fun times, Bad Times, Sad, Time and Great Times

Since my last set of musings when I was feeling down I must say things have picked up quite a bit! Fun times? Yes certainly. Bad times? A couple. Sad times? Certainly today in fact. Great times? again a yes to that.

Bad times, a couple of really down days when it was a miracle I even made it out of bed I felt so low, not just because I was depressed but 'cause I hurt all over and was shaking as if I had a touch of the DTs, if I had gone out into town or the local shops even, people would have been convinced I was totally sloshed and a confirmed alcoholic!

Sad times, yesterday I phoned Stuart to say I was sorry that Laura had been voted out of "How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria" and in conversation he told me that Sally-Ann Bradley had passed away a few days ago from Ovarian cancer, she was just over 46 years of age. Sad times 'cause today was her funeral. although I didn't know Sally-Ann that well I do know Colin her husband, having worked with him on several shows for MKAOS, plus recently I did some EPP sessions at St Mary's Church hall where he is Clerk at, it was then he told me Sally-Ann was ill.So I felt I ought to go to her funeral. The service was one of the nicest I have been to for many years, a packed church, with everyone singing their heart out in the hymns, a fine eulogy by the vicar and a lovely poem read by Colin.

Fun times. Oh yes there have been a few of those since my last update.....all clean and wholsome too (Shame!!!) Last Saturday was one such highlight! Steve gave me the rest of my birthday present,which was a trip out to a place called Rempstone, near Loughborough to an "Out" event organised by Adam from Nottingham. It was a Murder Mystery event. And what fun it was, starting at 3.00pm and finishing tad after 9.00pm. During this time we were entertained by an accomplished set of actors and invited to solve the "Whodunit" I ask you 3 murders in 1 family in a short passage of time. Plus we were served with champagne and canapes during the afternoon and a very substantial, well cooked 3 course 'carvery' meal. Steve and I got the killer right but not quite the reasons why. This was a fab pressie THANK YOU STEVE I loved every murderous second of it!

So onto Great times, August 4th saw Steve and I at 09.30am arriving at Perrys, the local Peugeot dealers to collect my brand new Motability vehicle, a lovely Aegean Blue, Peugeot 1007 1.6 Sport, 2Tronic gear model. I took the Kangoo down there and they took it off me for auction, I felt quite upset when I locked 'Madame' for the last time and handed over the keys to Darren the salesman. However the 1007 is absolutely fab!!! I love it. I keep reminding Gary that my joy over the car is all his fault as it was he who first told me of and showed me the car on the web way back in January. when he knew I'd ordered one he was as excited as me about it and on delivery day rang me to check all had gone through ok, I had to use my camera in my moblie phone and send him a couple of photos to prove it too.

This is a fairly big update but as you now know life has improved for me in that i am mobile and not having to worry about how to pay for bits to be done on my car any longer, it is apart from having to pay for petrol all paid for out of my DLA. Plus I am not feeling down either which is a lovely feeling......I hope that it continues for a while. More news soon.

2006-07-23T11:44:00.000Z

Going Down Again

Yet again depression has desended on me, and as usual I can't find a reason for it being here. Everything is going well for me. I now get the higher rate mobility on DLA, which means I have ordered a nice new car from Perry's. I'm off to Reading in the morning to help make a dvd for the Expert Patient Programme for training of the tutor assessors. Plus I have some of the most wonderful people in the world as my friends. Yet I still feel very low and on the verge of crying. I know it is bloody stupid but there it is. I've felt like this for a couple of days and it seems to be getting worse, I try to sound chirpy and bright when I am on the 'phone to friends, it's hard but I guess it's the actor in me that helps me cover up how I really feel which is downright YUCK! As usual though I expect it will pass and I'll feel more like coping again it's just how long will it take this time.

2006-07-21T18:12:00.000Z

Signed, Sealed but Not Yet Delivered

I'M GETTING A NEW CAR! Last Monday afternoon saw Steve, Deej and I back at Perry's to sort out the details for my new car. I have decided to have the Peugeot 1007 1600cc Sport model with the 2Tronic gear system, in Aegean Blue. It will cost me an advance payment of £400 but will in the long run be more than worth that extra to me. The company is also taking Madame in, in a part exchange type deal, and giving me the "book" value for an 'average' car of its model that has done over 80000 miles so I am well chuffed. Today (Friday) I went down to finalise everything and to get a piece of paper signed by the Job Centre. It seems that I can't get the car till the begining of August as my DLA doesn't start till the 27th of July and the "Safe date" as the Job Centre and DLA call it isn't till 2nd August, but what the heck!!! I'M GETTING A NEW CAR!!! YIPPEE!

Had a lovely day out with Steve on Wednesday we went to London and saw The Producers at Theatre Royal, Drury Lane and we got the best seats in the house, in fact we had "The Producers" seats, the ones that the production company have for every performance but which can be sold if not being used by them. So A15 and 16 of the Grand Circle were ours for the night. The show is wonderful I loved every single second of it and nearly cheered myself hoarse at the end calling for more.

By the way did I say I'm getting a new car?

2006-07-16T11:19:00.000Z

A Lot Can Happen in 2 Weeks Or So!

Now that I have reached the ripe young age of 60 I have joined the "Twirlies" by receiving my "Senior Citizen's" Bus Pass which means I can travel on the local bus services after 09:30 Mon to Friday and all day weekends for FREE! I doubt I will use it very often but I might on days when I really don't feel like having the hassle of trying to find parking spaces in MK or want to see just how well or how far and comfortably I can get around when my mobility is feeling good.

Went to see a very production of 'The Memory of Water' a play by Shelagh Stephenson produced by Leighton Buzzard Drama Group. This group was one of my favourite companies when I was Rep' for NODA, they always turned out some excellent shows, and I was not dissapointed this time either. I went as cover for Helen so have a 'review' to write for the company, which I will get round too soon.

Had an appointment with doctor who seems now to think that my mobility problems may not be caused by a flare-up of MS but due to a side-effect of 1 of my medications ie: Simvastatin. The chlorestrol one. So he has stopped it for at least the next 6 weeks to see how things go and ordered yet another blood test which is being done on Tuesday next. From what I saw on the blood test request form he wants just about anything and everything tested, so it looks like the nurse will be taking at least 2 armfuls from me! I don't care so long as it supplies the results needed and I can stop feeling in so much pain and difficulty when I am trying to get about.

I have at long last, also received my results for my DLA application, it came Thursday morning, and to be honest I was nervous of opening the letter! When I finally plucked up the nerve and did so I sat shaking for at least an hour or so and still have to keep pinching myself to ensure I was/am not dreaming! I still get middle rate care but now get Higher rate mobility and the reward is for an indefinate period. This means I can get a car from Motability and not have to worry about any of the running costs except for Petrol and stuff. the chosen car will be mine for 3 years then get I another new one from them. I have to give motability all the money I get for mobility and for the car I have chosen I will have to pay an upfront amount of £300 extra as I want an automatic transmission one. Gary way back in January showed me on the net the new Peugeot 1007 a new design 'City/Supermini' car as when I first road-tested my Clio and Kangoo I fell instantly in love with it, it was just so cool and fascinating. It is as tall as the Kangoo in its driving position, and even easier to get in and out of as the doors don't open out but slide back and it comes with a new type of gear shift called 2Tronic a type of automatic cum manual thingy.

Yesterday (Sat) David came up from London to see me plus Steve and John came over from Northampton too, so guess what we did? Yup that's right we went car shopping, we looked at the 1007, sat in it, asked the salesman all sorts of questions and arranged for a test drive for Monday at some point. Also went over to Mercedes Benz to try out the cute Smart Fourtwo car which I have always fancied but now feel that for the same amount of money (all my mobility) it isn't worth it, it is too utility and nowehere as comfortable as the 1007. whilst there we looked at the Merc A Class. Yes it is a lovely car more luxurious than the 1007 but I would have to give an advance payment of nearly £2000 to have one NO WAY and besides I am in love with the 1007. So thats it! Choice made, tomorrow I will take all my paperwork down to Peugeot in Bletchley and hopefully within 2/3 weeks I'll have a new brum brum in either metalic black or red. I'm not sure yet how I'm going to sell Madame (the Kangoo) I more than likely will just ask Peugeot to take it in part-exchange take the £300 advance payment from that and give me the rest as a cheque, it will be much easier to do that than fiddle about trying to sell it privately. SO WATCH THIS SPACE!!! For an update soon.

I am also chuffed to little meatballs cos Steve has got a fella, John, he seems a nice guy and Steve looks happier than I have known him be for a long time so fingers crossed that it all works out well for both of them.

2006-07-03T18:34:00.000Z

Nearly a Pensioner

I celebrated my 60th birthday 8 days ago and I'm still not sure how I managed to reach this milestone in my life. Imust say a very big thank you to Steve, Matt, Zoey and Daisy-Jane for making it such a wonderful day. I was treated to a fab roast lamb lunch served with Champagne. This was followed later in the afternoon by a delicious coffee flavoured and iced cake, topped with figure 6 and 0 candles just to remind me that I was that tender age. Steve gave me a couple of great gifts, well I've had 1 of them the other will be later in July when we are going to a Murder Mystery evening in Nottingham. number 1 gift was a day trip to Calais last Thursday, we went over by ferry from Dover with Seafrance. Both ways the English Channel was calm so no unexpected bumps or swayings. I was impressed and grateful to Steve for informing Seafrance that I am disabled as it meant we got loaded quicker and the car put right next to the lifts onboard the ferries, it made it much easier for me. Cite Europe next stop! Eventually we found our way into the disabled parking area, then made our way slowly to the information desk to hire a wheelchair for me and Guess What? Correct! cite Europe has only 1 yes 1 electric wheelchair in the whole place, no manual ones at all and the electric one was already out in use. Steve, Matt and Dave (Matt's girlfriend) were really good with me though as all I could do was walk very slowly and have lots of pit stops. Carrefour was where i wanted to go so that I could get some bits and bobs, such as washing liquid, some sugar topped brioches, a couple of bottles of red wine and a bottle of Sancerre, which is considerably cheaper there than in the UK. I treated myself to a couple of pairs of new undies made by Dim. we then went down to the food court to have a meal, Steve had his usual beef borginonne (wrong spelling I know) Matt the same, Dave ? I confess I can't remember and me a Chef's salad with a small carafe of rose wine, served to us by a real hunk of a waiter, he was so sexy, I could have brought him home and kept him as my personal pleasure boy (naughty naughty). We arrived back in MK just before midnight after a wonderful day. Thank you Steve for giving me such a fab pressie.

Steve went down to London for the weekend to join in Europe Pride, had a good day. I was upset to read in his blog though that people he was with more or less ignored him by not talking to him because he is hard of hearing. for heaven's sake what plonkers they are. Just because Steve wears hearing aids they thought he was not worth trying to communicate with. How totally wrong they are. Steve is one of the most intelligent well informed people I know. So if others took the time to communicate they would know that too. On his return to home Steve called in to see Jermaine in Chalfont. Reading Steve's blog he comments that J seemed to have improved slightly and was back to where he had been about 18 months ago instead of how ill he has been recently I am so happy to have read that, maybe some of the things they are doing at Chalfont will at least give J a better quality of life for a while again I do hope so.

2006-06-11T11:49:00.000Z

Curtain Up!

In the past month I have been to see 3 local amateur theatre productions, 1 in Milton Keynes and 2 in Leighton Buzzard. All 3 were excellent in their own way. Milton Keynes Amatuer Operatic Society, gave the local premiere of "Seussical the Musical". A lively, energetic working of several of the Dr Seuss stories. Technically this was a superb production, well-staged by Micheal Simpson, who used the largish stage at Stantonbury Campus Theatre to its fullest extent, his blocking of scenes secure which meant we the raked audience could see and actually hear everything clearly. (It was great being able to hear all the principals for once as all were miked up and the sound levels excellently balanced.) Juliet Ratnage designed some original dance routines for the company and succeeded in making even the most two leftfooted cast member look and obviously feel confident as they danced about the stage. My problem with this show is actually not the production, but the show itself, I felt that if I and several others of my generation who were in the audience had been brought up on the Dr Seuss stories we would have gotten a lot more out of the plotline of the show, but having not even heard of Seuss until fairly recently ((The Grinch movie with Jim Carey) think we all felt a bit at a loss. The children in the audience though absolutely loved it. I took Daisy-Jane and Zoey Steve's 2 daughters to see it with me as a belated birhtday gift for Daisy-Jane, apparently both of them raved about it to Steve when he got home from his holiday in Grand Caneria a week or so later.

Throughout the programme for Seussical were scattered sayings of Dr Seuss himself one of which Daisy-Jane pointed out to me as being very true and for some reason to her especially apt for me. "Be who you are and say what you feel. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" I so know what she meant, now the phrase has become a sort of mantra for me, I have put it as my signature on my emails I feel it is so true, as most of my life I have always worried about saying what I thought people wanted to hear and not how I really felt about them or things plus how I felt in myself too. Now I say it how it is!!!

Leighton Buzzard was next and another premiere not just a local one but a World Premiere, Phillip Ring a local actor/composer/writer/director devised "Just One Night" Leighton Musical Theatre Company took the show onboard and made a great evening's entertainment out of it. The story based on fact is that the Rat Pack, Sinatra, Davis, and Martin are due to appear for just one night at a charity do in New York but somehow get delayed in Chicago, (actually snowed in)...So what are the people running the charity gig to do...I know put on a show of their own a la the old Judy Garland/Mickey Rooney movies of the late 1930's. The original songs were good and were cleverly interwoven with the standards of the real Rat Pack themselves. The local paper sent a critic to the opening night of the show a woman named Alex Cox, she wrote a dreadful review and was actually quite insulting about some of the cast members, she declared that her daughter's school did better shows! She complained that the house was less than half full and that, that was an idea from the public at large that this company were not worth watching. Perhaps if she had gone to the performance I was at she would have written something less scathing. the house was full, the company on top form and obviously enjoying performing both the new and old songs we heard. I used to be the representative for for the National Operatic and Dramatic Association and saw several productions by this company, supplying a full review of the show to them afterwards, The group was good then, sometimes not as strong as they could have been but to the average punter who enjoyed the type of shows they performed then (G&S and more vintage musicals/operettas) were thought to be worth seeing. Now they have changed their name and started to branch out into more modern shows (next prod' Fiddler on the Roof) this will enable them to bring in younger people who enjoy acting and singing too. "Just One Night" was a fun evening and the show itself deserves more productions than just this one!

Last Friday evening again saw me in Leighton Buzzard, this time as guest of Helen Hawkins and her daugther Louise who had directed Leighton Masqueraders production "A Grand Night For Singing" a compilation show of Rodgers and Hammerstein music. Again a good evening of entertainment, the show uses material from the obvious R&H such successes as South Pacific, Oklahoma, King & I but also songs from Allegro, Me & Juliet and the television show Cinderella in which Julie Andrews starred way back in 1956. Helen asked me to do a review of the show for the company which I have already sent off via email, overall it was a secure production utilising all the smallish company of 16, usually this show is performed by a group of 4/5 only but the 16 here all did a good job of what Louise and Helen asked of them. My biggest criticism of the production was that the MD also on keyboards and his quartet of players were at times far too loud and that he as MD took several of the numbers way too fast, it seemed at times that the singers were having to try catch up with the band games rather than concentrate of giving the song its true sympathectic performance, such a shame. No more for now so hope you enjoy this epistle.

2006-05-29T17:14:00.000Z

A Bank Holiday and It Isn't Raining What's Gone Wrong

Gosh it is over a month since I last posted anything! Doesn't time fly when you're having fun?..... BUT who said I have been having fun? Not me. although things haven't been too bad really.

Today is May Bank holiday known in the US as Memorial Day and here in the UK formerly as the Whitsun holiday. Seems Milton Keynes has so far been spared wet weather today (18:15hours) despite being fairly windy the day has been mostly sunny and vaguely warm.

Well, come on Robin what has been going on since your last entry? To be honest not a great deal, Madame (the car) has been in for more repairs, it seems the drive shaft bearings were dry and falling apart, causing a weird squeaking sound when Madame got up to about 50mph. Now fixed for another £260 but at least that was some £70 less than the garage guy originally quoted me. Pleased to report Madame now sounds lovely and handles like she always has done for me.

EPP is going on ok, I did the 1st session of the current course with Lee, boy was she nervous, it is the 1st course she has done since being accredited some 2 years ago, Bob from Oxford is doing 4 sessions with her and I'm filling in on 1 for him. The group on the 1st meeting seemed a good mix of problems and started to gel and participated keenly, hope it has gone on like that since then. We are having a 'get-together' with the group from February next week and I'm looking forward to seeing them all again and finding out how they have been getting on. I am also still involved with Cherwell Vale PCT so will with luck be helping out on a course for them in September time.

Steve went off to Gran Caneria for a vacation and overall had a good time, despite Martin throwing a couple of wobblies, saw the photo's a day or so ago, some great piccies! Can't believe how much I missed him!

I have come to a major decision about the vacation with Sue and Mary and my mobility or sometimes lack of. I rang USAir who we are flying with in November and have asked for assistance by way of a wheelchair between check-in and the aircraft, the young man I spoke to was so helpful, and has noted that I along with Sue and Mary require 'Pre-board' and that the wheelchair will be of the type that takes me right to my seat on the plane, plus when we arrive in Philadelphia we will be transported right through to seats on the Orlando flight and again at Orlando be got through the airport to the car hire desk, the same will be done on the return flights too, which should be of enormous help as we will only have just under an hour to do the transfer in Philly to the Manchesterflight, that is so long as the flight from Orlando is on time! All I have to do is contact a member USAir staff when I arrive at Manchester airport prior to check-in if possible so that they can do their magic for us. The reasoning behind my decision to ask for help is that the amount of walking I would have to do at all 3 airports it is much that I would more than likely still be trying to get to the departure gate in Manchester by the time the plane has arrived in Philly!hehe. I think not going to the main theme parks during the 1st week is a brill idea, we (I) can adjust easier and rest up so that on long theme park days we all will be able to cope, I think I will have to use a chair some of the time in the parks, so I'm investigating hiring 1 for the duration of the vacation which we can keep in the trunk of the car and use it as and when rather than rely on trying to get one wherever we happen to be and not being able to.

No more waffle for now bye bye.

2006-04-23T12:45:00.000Z

It's Been a Quiet Week In Lake Woebegon....

Whoops that should read in Milton Keynes really! Since my last epic posting very little has happened. I was a big brave boy last Thursday, went to the dentist for the final work needed on my mouth which was another filling, scaling and polishing and a root extraction, the filling was the worst part of it as far as actual feeling, the extraction took only seconds and has left a nice gap in the top left side of my m0uth, so now I don't have to go back for 6 months which takes me up to just before my holiday in Orlando with Sue and Mary. My upper gum still hurts though and painkillers don't seem to be being much help I hope the ache will just fade away of its own volition.

Steve took me up to Coventry and I am so grateful to him as I think I would still be sitting in my car outside the surgery shaking if I'd been on my own.

Got another talk to do on EPP for the local MS Society this coming Wednesday, Donna who was to have given it is suffering from a Lupus flare-up and is finding it all a bit too much. It is this time for people who have been diagnosed as having MS for some time so they might be more interested in what EPP might be able to do for them in helping their own self-management skills cope with flare-ups etc. The next EPP course is FULL!!! Yeh!!! 16 participants and a waiting list for a course hopefully later in the year. It turns out that Linda and I weren't communicating too well a couple of weeks ago and she was under the impression that I was quite happy to do this course with Lee, however after some chat she is now aware that I was only prepared to do the course if I really had to if there was no-one else available at all. Initially it had been arranged that Rosita and Lee would run the course but with Rosita resigning from EPP that meant Mark or Bob from Oxford would take the course with Lee as although she is accredited she hasn't run a course since getting her accreditation. Now after the misunderstanding with Linda has been sorted I am only helping out by taking the 1st session of the 6 weeks with Mark doing the rest with Lee. I could have done the 6 but feel that as I would have been as it were "The more able-bodied" tutor I would have had to do all the set up and take down at each session, which I have had to do on both the last 2 courses and that has added to my tiredness and feeling of exhaustion after each session, I know Donna has mobility problems but at times I could have done with more physical help from her or someone at the course location. Hence my saying I didn't want to do this course as I knew Lee couldn't do much humping around of things either. Does this make me sound a misery who only wants to have things on a plate for himself? No I don't think it does it says I have problems too and need help from time to time. I must just remember to speak up and not keep things to myself as I usually do.

Ok off for a nice cuppa now, more thoughts in a few days I guess bye!

2006-04-12T18:31:00.000Z

Everyone's MS Starts Differently

In all the years since being diagnosed as having Multiple Scelerosis which is now some 30 plus ago, I have only ever come across 1 other person who's illness started the same way as mine did. Back in the mid 1970's I was House Manager at the Gaumont Cinema in Notting Hill Gate London W11 when 1 Saturday evening whilst standing in the foyer my right eye just sort of switched off, as you would switch off a light in your house, then it came on, then off again. I told a friend who popped in to see me late in the evening what had happened and he insisted on taking me down to A&E at the Westminster Hospital where he worked as Senior Physiotherapist. Over the next few months I was regularly checked out. Each time this switch off occured I went back for more tests. Eventually after several years I was told "Well we think it is MS so we are transfering your care to a specialist hospital. since then I have had some long periods of remission from the disease but over the years it has when flaring up been that bit worse and affected different parts of my body, I began to sometimes get the shakes in my hands and arms, meaning that carrying things like drinks or food was difficult if not dangerous, I'd fall over for no apparent reason, people thought I was perhaps drunk. Now it seems to affect my mobility. I've written all this as a sort of background to what I did today. For MK PCT I went to the MK MS Society monthly drop-in for recently diagnosed sufferers of MS to promote the Expert Patient Progamme as being a possible help to them in the future in their Self-Management of their form of MS. I feel my informal talk might help some of them as time goes by. I also met again therefore renewed contact with a lovely lady Janet Pritchard who is now chair of the MK MS society, subsequent to chatting to her I have decided to renew my membership of the local branch as it seems to have changed so much since I was last an inactive member, in the past it was very much what I call a "Sick discussion group" with everyone concentrating only on the negative side of the illness, no-one ever wanted to try do anything to help themselves it was all "I'm ill I can't do anything any longer......etc" I cannot abide hearing that sort of crap all the time. Yes there were and are times I feel sorry for myself and times when I find it bloody difficult to cope BUT when that happens now I switch off if I need to and go rest, or try using some of the techniques I learnt on EPP. Janet has been a real driving force behind MK MS Soc' all too the good too. Hence my deciding to rejoin and try help out sometimes when I'm feeling up to it.

DLA, the challenge goes on, they refused my application for upgrading what I receive as I had been well, not too honest but shall we say over generous in my ideas of what I can and can't do when I'm up and about, on good and bad days. I wrote that as far as walking when out was concerned I could just about walk 100 metres before it got too painful for me when in truth sometimes on really bad days which can vary from perhaps 1/2 a week to 4/5 a week truthfully to walk more than 10 metres without pain is an effort. as for care in the house, I have had to say that I need help most nights in, sometimes turning over, getting to from the toilet, some nights not even being able to sleep because i need to move or get up to the loo etc. There have been times when the only way to get to the loo has been to literally fall out of bed, crawl on my hand's and knees, then hope that by leaning on the side of the bath manage to pull myself up to use the loo. (Mary, Sue, I know you read this but PLEASE don't worry about me and the holiday. I'll cope and you won't have to do anything except perhaps push a chair once in a while and in the theme parks we can get all the help I might need). I'm not sure what has stopped me from calling Steve in Northampton sometimes at night to ask him to come over and help me other than I guess that I thought, by the time he got here I would have managed somehow. the problem with MS is that you can go into remission and be there for days/weeks/months/even years between flare-ups and the remission can occur as the flare-ups do almost without warning. so who knows, come the holiday, I could almost be running round like a toddler on steriods! hehe!!

When MS flares-up it can cause all sots of problems and as it eases you find that you can almost get back to 95% of where you were before the attack, so all you (I) can do is hope that, that is what happens. as to the clincal depression well that has to be handled in the same way and again EPP has helped me cope better that before I went on the course some 18 months ago. I still, as you dear reader will know, get horribly down but at least now, I feel I can more or less deal with it, I have learnt to say NO, learnt to switch off and learnt to use other methods too, plus I have my safety net of friends, and the mental health team to call on if I really need to.

2006-04-06T18:26:00.000Z

The Computer Says You Have 14 in Stock!

"Yes sir it does, but our computer staff don't appear to have updated the computer!" that was the answer I got this afternoon in Ikea ,Milton Keynes. I had decided that as my mobility at getting up and down stairs is at times increasingly more difficult I should replace my 35 year old settee/sofabad and after a couple of visits to Ikea with Steve thought I had found one that I could use downstairs quite easily, it's a single bed size with metal frame and decent firm mattress too. FOR only £93 !BUT when I got down into the warehouse/pickup point guess what, not only had they not got in stock the colour cover I wanted but they didn't have the bloody bed either, that is despite the young lady up on the display floor checking the computer for stock levels. When I challenged another member of staff in the warehouse area his was the reply at the start this blog. boy was I annoyed. However Steve chose two lovely sofa/beds for himself and Matt, they will take approx 4 weeks or so to be delivered and they are really nice, it's a pity I haven't got either the money or room for such nice looking funtiture. Oh well back to the drawing board I guess.

I have to give my first presentation on 'What EPP Can Do For You' next Tuesday to a drop-in group for the MS Society here in MK, I feel excited and nervous about it, but in many ways it is just another role for me to play. so being an actor I'd better metorphorically get my make-up out and go for it. I spoke to Mark at Oxford to get some pointers on how to do the talk as he also suffers from MS like me but his is more advanced and it effects him differently to how it effects me. His input was invaluable. He reminded me that MS symptoms that he has will be nothing like the symptoms I have of the disease, in fact in the 15 years or so he has suffered from MS he has only come across 1 other person who was suffering in the same way as he does. The talk is an 'imformal' one so I will give a brief outline of the history of EPP, then say what it has done for me in helping me manage my MS, Diabetes, and Clinical Depression, I can honestly say that I am now a better 'Self-Manager' than I was before doing the course as a participant. I can use several of the techniques most of the time and balance my active times with my down times (be they physically or mentally down times) much more confidently and will actually Say No to people if they ask me to do something when I feel bad rather than do it and then feel really ill and upset for putting myself in a postition where I have given myself pain etc. More next week on this talk so Watch This Space as they say.

Steve bought me over a 6ft tall bookcase this morning so that means I can sort out some more of my large collection of books/dvds/videos into a more sensbile state and not have books everywhere about the house, I'll still keep some in the bedroom but the rest can now all be in the sitting room and in 'bookcase' shelves rather than just anywhere there is a space. Thanks Steve it looks good and is getting filled quickly.

Well dear reader it's now 19:52 hours and I am begining to feel a little peckish, yes i know I had a salad in Ikea but i fancy something else now, not sure what but a little nibble would not go amiss so I'm off to the feeding zone night night!!

2006-03-29T17:54:00.000Z

Its All Gone Quiet

It really has honest. Have hardly seen a soul since I last did my blog last week. I haven't exactly been putting myself out to be honest though. and though I might not have seen many people I have at least kept in touch with most of my friends by phone, msn and email, so it's not as if I had become a complete recluse.

Sue and Mary had a good time in Scarborough, got back this afternoon, and on sunday night Sue called for a gossip and I got the chance for a chat with a couple of people I've not spoken to for probably 5 years, since my last visit to NODA in Brid, Mim and Margaret, Mim is a joyous larger lady who has the most wonderful sense of humour and wit, Margaret, similar but smaller in stature. I really enjoyed chatting to them albeit for only a few minutes.

Steve went down Chalfont to visit Jermaine yesterday, killing to birds with one stone so as to speak as there was also a meeting there about Jermaine and his longterm care, it seems that despite the place being good it has several faults, some of which impede Jermaine's quality of life there, plus the finances appear to be a tad awry too. I really do hope that something is settled soon for Steve and the rest of the family's sake, plus of course for Jermaine himself, he may not be too aware of his circumstances but I think he is aware enough to notice that things have changed for him in many, many ways.

Got a letter from Liverpool today enclosing my 3rd CRB Disclosure in just over a year, this one though is only a "Standard" disclosure whereas the other 2 were "Enhanced" ones, I would have thought that all PCT's would have applied for the same form of disclosure for me though. I will always be working with 'vunerable adults' when taking EPP courses hence MK applied for an enhanced version but Cherwell Vale PCT asked for a Standard one, guess it costs less. The EPP course in Bicester has been cancelled due to there not being enough particiapnts available so I will at least have April free for other things now. I will hopefully be starting to contact doctors in the south of MK over the next couple of weeks promoting the next MK EPP course which starts in May. A good article in the MK News today about the course with a photo of Donna and an interview too, so that might help get some people thinking.

Hope to hear from Gary soon about how his working trip to Switerland has gone, he went there to do some training for his company and sounded really excited about going and doing the course there. Since his snowboarding vacation he has been so upbeat about things it makes me feel really happy and good for him.

It's now 19:15 hours and I think I might just fancy a wee bite of something to eat, not sure what though..........something really quick and simple???? Ah Ha! A nice bowl of M&S porridge, and not one of their readymade ones either I have discovered their "make it yourself" stuff and it is delicious so I'm off bye bye.

2006-03-21T18:55:00.000Z

"Ooh My Feet My Poor Poor Feet"

The opening words from a song in the muscial "The Most Happy Fella", seem so apt since last Saturday when I somehow managed to walk round the entire Milton Keynes shopping centre from M&S to John Lewis and back again, mind you I did it slowly and in wonderful company, David my American friend had come up from the outer wilds of Clapham Junction in SW London and Steve managed to find his way from the far reaches of Northampton as well. We had a lovely time together plus a nice light lunch in John Lewis's cafe, I had a delicious leek and potato soup, David had a soup too and Steve, what looked like an appetising ham salad roll. The other highlight of the visit was that David had called into, as he calls it "The Egyptian Grocer's" which I call "Woolworths of Knightsbridge" really known as Harrods to pick up 2 dozen Krispy kreme donuts for me (most of which are still sitting in either my freezer or refridgerator) so that my blood sugar doesn't quite go through the roof too quickly or too often.

EPP course in MK now over and I think it went well, with everyone including Donna and I learning from it. In the course manual it is reccommended that the group has a reunion about 3 months on to see how they are all getting along and one of our participants has offered her home as the venue in early June for a get-together, it will be a lunch-time do with all of us taking something for the meal and if the weather is ok we will have a BBQ too. I am not sure if the course I'm supposed to be leading in April in Bicester area will now take place as the participant list has shrunk from 8 down to 4 and it really isn't viable to run with less that 6. It also means that one of the tutor's would not be able to have his 2nd assessment towards his accreditation as a Tutor, or indeed another tutor get her 1st assessment out of the way, we are going to keep our fingers crossed that the number of clients will get back up to at least 8 again so that the course can go ahead and the assessments done too.

Mary and Sue are off to Scarborough for a week, they are going to the NODA NE annual shindig which has for the last 30 odd years been held just down the road from Scarboro' in Bridlington but due to the major refurbishements taking place ther have moved for at least the next couple of years. this a is great weekend where 1000 plus enthusiasts of amateur theatre have a conference, see at least 2 usually excellent cabarets, dance to Joe Loss's orchestra, gossip to their heart's contentment and generally let their hair down (decorously of course ???) in fact just enjoy themselves. the last time I went was 5 years ago the year after Richard died, I had been invited 3 or 4 times before and always had a ball so I hope Mary and Sue don't get too cold and/or wet going from the hotel to the Spa as it is a slightly further distance to walk than when in Brid', but they will get to go on the funicular railway several times as the hotel is on the cliff top and the Spa site down next to the beach. They are then going to stay on in Scarboro' for a few extra days just relaxing and recovering from their hectic, wild adventures! Enjoy yourselves Girls!

I was talking to Steve a few minutes ago and was saying that I hadn't done an update on this as I didn't have much to talk about and he quite rightly reminded me that I can talk/write about good things that have happened not just crappy things when things go wrong etc. HOW RIGHT HE IS!! (Clever clogs!!) Cause just typing the above about NODA and Saturday has brought back all the good feelings I felt then and the thoughts have made a nice warm glow all about me.

2006-03-12T19:06:00.000Z

Life Plods On

It's a week since Gershwin went off to the big playfields in the land of wherever and it really does seem strange here in the house without him. Yesterday I managed to sort out the food and stuff I had remaining and passed everything over to Mags for her dogs to enjoy. She is still trying to talk me into having a kitten, one of the ones that had been abandoned by the railway and I might just secumb to her appeals.

The specialist at the hospital has written to say that the barium enema I had, has shown up some irregularities and that I have a diverticular disease, he doesn't say which one it is, but from what I have looked up on the www it appears to be diverticulosis. He also doesn't seem to think it is too serious as he doesn't want to see me until early July back in outpatients. The biggest problem this added disease is going to cause me it seems is that I have somehow got to make myself eat more fibre and EAT REGULARLY! I can hear you all shouting at me to darn well do so then and I will try, but if I'm not hungry then I cannot for the life of me see the sense in actually forcing myself to eat something I don't want! Oh and I am now supposed to drink lots and lots of water, that means I'll forever be popping to the loo to well you know what! Thank heavens for my prostate capsules at least they make it easier to go as it were.

Steve was absolutely fuming last night (Sat) it appears that either DJ or Matt had used his laptop in the lounge, left it on the floor with its wires trailing everywhere and it has gotten trodden on and completely busted. Neither one will admit as to being the one that left it on the floor or doing the damage to it. Methinks in someways it is about time both realised that dad has more than enough to cope with right now without them being total wombats and tried to act like responsible teenagers, rather than those who don't respect him or property either. If I were Steve, then punisment would be metered out so strongly that I would be considered an utterly evil being, Matt's 18th birthday party would be cancelled, both would be banned from using thier own computers online for at least 6 months and all pocket money stopped for a similar amount of time, and if they needed money then they would have to earn it by getting a job, sticking to it and make sure they both attended college/school all the time too. Thank god they have Steve as their parent and not me. He loves them so much and does everything in his power to make their lives as comfortable and rich in every way that he can, they, I guess like the majority of kids just take it all for granted. Looking back on my life it is a good thing my own marriage ended when my son was only 2 years or so old, he would have been in his early 40's by now if he had lived? He was killed in an accident when he was nearly 8.......wonder how he would have turned out?

Gary got back from snowboarding in the States today, rang me and said he had had a great time, in fact I've not heard him sound so chipper for a long while seems the break did him lots of good.

One more session of the EPP course to go in MK, then in April I'm off to Bicester to take a course, for the local PCT there, which means more experience for me. Yet again I'm having to fill in Criminal Records Check forms as the course will be for a different PCT. It all seems to be such a palarfa. Why one check cannot cover as a blanket check I really don't understand. After all Thames Valley Police have all my details twice now (this will be the third time) so all they have to do is check what they did before. It was as bad when I used to do prison visiting of long-term prisoners, all they guys I wrote to/visited were "lifers" serving time for murder etc and usually were still catagory A class so before I could write or visit, I had to be checked out by CIB of my local police force, which meant the Guvenor of the prison sending me a form to fill in for every new guy I took on, even if I was already dealing with at least 2 or more already in the nick! such a waste of public funds.

Well it's now 19:40 hours I'm thirsty and fancy a cuppa or maybe a hot chocolate so bye for now more later in the week!!

2006-03-08T18:57:00.000Z

A Rose by any Other Name would Smell as Sweet

I cannot believe it, but I have had numerous phonecalls, emails and even friends putting comments in their Blogs about the loss of Gershwin my big furry ball of love. Steve paid him a wonderful tribute saying that Gershwin was the only dog he had ever felt close to and that Gershwin had given him "Unquestioning Love", Nick also said some lovely things. Daniel in Atlanta has even sent me an e-card. Mags and Paula turned up this morning with a Rose Bush to be planted in my garden in memory of him too, it is described as an Orange scented bush rose and Gershwin loved oranges (the edible sort that is). I know now just how much Gersh' as I often called him was loved not only by me but by everyone he came in contact with. He just loved people and would make a fuss of them as much as they made a fuss of him, sometimes he got over-excited and had to be told to settle down, which he usually did, then would just kept sneaking a look in case he thought he could get some more fuss and if you were snacking then a taste of whtever it was you were having was cool to him. I find myself looking for him and thinking "Oh! He must be outside in the garden, better let him in again." I go to open the back door and realise that he won't come in, he isn't here anymore. I somehow manged to scrape together the £129 to have him individually cremated and his ashes returned to me so he can be with the others here, Gower, Sondhiem, Katisha and Isaac. Since moving to MK nearly 21 years ago I only realised on Sunday that for over 20 of those years I have not lived alone but had at least one pet animal here too. Now I am alone for a while. Like lovers when you part, I need time to think, assess what I want and remember all the good times with all of them. I guess i will have another animal companion but I told Mags she could only re-home a Dacshund or a long haired Chihuahua with me so I think I'm fairly safe for a while?

Monday after the sad events of Sunday turned out to be a fun day, Steve, Martin young Matt and I took off for a day trip to Calais. Despite the M1 motorway deciding to be well and truly clogged which meant we just missed the checkin time for our original ferry crossing, and we had to wait for the 13:45 crossing, we found a reasonable chippy and stuffed ourselves with something and chips,(I say it that way as we all had something different with the chips). The crossing was smooth and pleasant. So off to the "Big Shop" the main reason for the trip was to get some drinks for Matt's 18th birthday at the end of the month, Martin was in the nicest way just along for the ride, but did treat himself to some nice sexy French Dim undies, I have several pairs myself and always feel hunky in them! (Me hunky? nah I'm really the original design of the Michelin Tyre Man). I bought some goodies in Carrefour, the huge hypermarket, couldn't get all the bits and bobs I wanted but nevertheless did well. A nice bottle of Sancerre, some Bon Mamam Strawberry jam in larger jars than I can get here and cheaper too. We also had a nice meal which I couldn't finish but at least I ate something. The only problem for me over the whole fun day was that I felt I was slowing the guys down as I began after an hour or so to find walking difficult and hurting, but I am an obstanant B.. didn't say anything and just hoped I kept up with them, which I think I did. I also kept up my getting stopped by Customs fun. Only twice when returning from France have I ever not been stopped, both times when on the shuttle from Folkstone to Calais with David and Greg and with Steve. STOPPED!! Whenever I went with Richard or even on my own to Paris be it by air, sea, hovercraft or Eurostar I have been challenged by HM Customs on my return. Monday was the same, we got questioned as to why we have been out of the UK, what we had done, and what had we bought. as our trip was entirely innocent we all fet a tad peeved, but it failed to mar the enjoyment we had had.

Another session of the EPP course tomorrow and I have now officially been asked to run a course in Bicester in April, I am looking forward to that too. I will have had a couple of weeks rest in-between courses so that will help too.

Still no news on my application for re-assessment of my DLA, last time I rang them, (mid Feb) I was told they received my forms on the 19th of December 05 but they hadn't finished doing the November applications so it would be at least another month or so before I heard. However if my application is successful the award would be backdated to 19th Dec 05. Boy would that money come in handy right now in oh so many ways! Hehe.

2006-03-05T19:40:00.000Z

Another Sad Day

Well that's it! I've had to say farewell to my precious Gershwin, he was put to sleep about an hour or so ago. Over the past couple of days he went downhill so fast, not even being able to stand today, and though he didn't appear to be in pain he certainly was feeling some discomfort. I have been trying to work out just how long I he had allowed me to live with him and it must be 11 or 12 years since I rescued him from the pratts who previously owned him, they lived next door and when I took him off them he was just about 6weeks of age and had been used a toy by the 5 little shites of kids. He was such a sweet little thing and already knew that he had to go outside to go to the toilet, I didn't have to train him at all, from what the owners said I thought I would have had a lot of work on my hands getting him to ask to go out but he never did anything in the house except when he was totally desperate, and I wasn't in to let him out. He has been a loyal, loving friend to me and I will miss him so much. All I have to do now is find the money to pay the vet costs some £300 all told, but I know they will let me pay it over a period of time. Gershwin you are now free to scamper all over the fields with Isaac, Gower, Katisha and Sondheim again, go enjoy yourself and thank you for letting me live with you.

2006-02-23T19:18:00.000Z

A Day of Mixed Fortunes

Well it certainly been that, it started off by the world outside my bedroom being covered in white stuff namely snow, rapidly followed by me getting worried about dear Gershwin, my fourlegged companion, he hasn't been too well for the last few days infact we went to see the vet on Monday morning, Gershwin appeared to be having problems going for wee or going frequently but doing just a little. The vet decided that he could have an enlargement and an infection in his prostate (didn't know dogs had one?) plus the poppet's temperature was quite high, so she gave him 2 injections (1 antibiotic, 1 pain reliver) and 2 lots of pills similar to the jabs given. Gersh' seemed to improve Monday afternoon and evening, same on Tuesday too, yesterday he was a tad quiet but otherwise ok, this morning though he really did seem down in the dumps, he refused his morning biscuits, and when we went out for a stroll had problems doing either a wee or a bowel action. When we got back indoors he started to tremble all over and his teeth were chattering. Fortunately the vet could see him quickly so off we went to Walnut Tree, there he was examined by the same lady vet from Monday, who actually was quite pleased with how he was progressing, she felt he wasn't in so much pain, his temperature had come down a bit and his bowels were nice and clear plus, to make me out to be a liar he managed to have a good wee too. The upshot of my worrying is that the vet wants to carry on the course of treatment started on Monday then perhaps if he is still not right look at other possibilities. She also gave him another pain killing injection too. He is now lying next to me in the bedroom quietly snoring as I type this episode of my blog.

On the opposite side of the coin as I said yesterday I was ue for my 2nd assessment as a trainer for the Expert Patient Programme. Well.........I PASSED what's more with flying colours too. I am so chuffed I could peel a grape and jump off the top of a matchbox hehe!! The assessor from Northampton was lovely, she felt I had really got a flair for the course and did it well, I was nervous, but just thought 'If I pass I pass, if not there's always another time'. Rare for me to feel like that about any form of exam, must be old age creeping up on me hehe. I might be doing another course in April for a different PCT. I must thank all the clients on the course I'm doing now as they all sang my praises to the assessor during the tea break whilst I did the drink making etc. Plus for all being so encouraging and alert throughout today's session. All I can say now is 'Coo I am proud'. Thank yous to must go to Steve and Peter who both gave me a reference when I first applied to become a tutor plus Sue, Mary and Gary for crossing their fingers for me too. THANK YOU EVERYONE, hopefully this is the start of something fairly big for me. Now all I've got to do is teach myself to do what I'm trying to encourage and teach others to do in self managing our chronic illnesses and diseases.

2006-02-22T18:17:00.000Z

Why am I So Nervous?

I guess because I have my 2nd assessment as a trainer on the Expert Patient Prohgramme tomorrow afternoon starting at 13.30hours. I feel I really need to do the presentations just so, I am actually only presenting 2 of the sections of the 3rd session of the programme but have to make sure I am following the manual while Donna does the other sections and to do the 'scribing' (writing down on the white board) for her in any problemsolving/freethinking sections. Everyone keeps telling me I'll be fine and not to worry about it. But this is so important to me, I think I have finally found something I enjoy doing that gently helps both other people and me get something out of their lives despite being either chronically ill and/or disabled.

Today I had an examination at Milton Keynes General Hospital. When my friend Tony, in the middle part of last year began complaining of constipation that from what he said was as severe as mine was sent to MKGH by his gp within a matter of weeks from his first seeing the gp and was diagnosed literally overnight as having cancer of the bowel and liver. I felt scared to say the least, but not until after his untimely death only about 6 or so weeks later did the enormity of the possibilty of my being as ill hit me. It took nearly 10 weeks for MKGH to arrange for me to see a consultant, who by the way was great and instilled confidence in me. I was even seen early on the day of my appointment (a first for the NHS) he arranged for me to have a barium enema done, this was also arranged with remarkable speed for MKGH! For anyone who hasn't had one done I will go into only basic detail. You have to be completely purged in your bowels from at least the day before the exam, so I was sent what I will now always refer to as powdered dynamite, it must be a mixture of semtex, notro-glycerine and TNT. My bowels haven't felt so wonderfully empty for at least 3 years or more and without too much straining too. you also have a restricted diet for this period.

Steve came and took me to the X-Ray dept, where I was told to strip off, put on a gown with an open back and then wait till called. On being called for into the X-Ray suite I was greeted by 3 young ladies one of whom was the person who would administer the enema and then take some most attractive pictures of my upper bowel plus a very handsome in fact totally cute sexy young man who had the job of looking after me and assisting me in turning over into the various positions that were needed for the exam. It wasn't as nasty as I thought it would be (well I was chatting up the fella! So I guess I was somewhat distracted). I got a chance during the exam to see what was happening it was fascinating to see just how the barium worked. The whole exam took about 3/4 of an hour then I was told to get dressed and go eat! Steve took me over to Morrisons store where I surprised myself and him by devouring a "Big breakfast" I was really hungry for once.

The only really off putting after-effect of the exam is that during it after inserting the barium fluid into your bowel and draining most it out, they then pass air in so that the bowel area is enlarged and the pictures take on a sort of 3D effect, BUT this air eventually has to come out again, that's why there have been warnings of severe wind storms in and arround Milton Keynes this afternoon, honestly I really thought and felt I was breaking wind for Europe! Now all that reamins is for the doctor to tell me I am clear of the C word and I can go back to being comfortably constipated again. Well actually I hope I don't, but in order for me not to I guess I will have to try and eat a proper diet every day YUCK!!

Good news of a sort too my friend Vicky isn't moving to Sheffield after all, the management post there with Dominos Pizza has collapsed, and the family is staying here in MK, I am pleased about this 'cause I would miss the opportunities of being able to just call her up and say 'put kettle on' thus popping round to see her and say hi to Andy and young Christopher.

Okay enough of this rambling, I'm off to raid my cupboards and 'fridge 'Food Glorious Food' Here I come!!!

2006-02-17T19:48:00.000Z

I Sentence You To.....

Well I had hoped it would have been at least 18 months that Bob went down for BUT after some good work on the part of his barrister suggesting that the Judge re-look at both the psychiatric and psycholoical reports to see that bob's behaviour had been "Totally out of character" to which the Judge replied "I don't have any such reports!" they then being submitted for him to read the Judge decided that he would pass sentence after lunch Bob finished up with getting only 6 months custody suspended for 12 months and an order to do 80 hours community service! I am not sure that he realises just how lucky he has been. When the Judge started to speak before the reports had been presented he said "Your behaviour on the night in question went far beyond the bounds of decency and was severe enough to require a long custodial sentence!" it was at this point that the barrister spoke about the reports. When after lunch the case resumed it was obvious that 'His Honour' had given weight to to said reports, as he said "The reports from the medical people placed an entirely different light on the matter in front of him and that he would make his judgement based on them". In some ways I feel angry that bob has gotten away with threatening to and attempting to kill both Mags and I, (I guess I really should have pressed charges) but in view of the problems Bob getting a custodial sentence would have caused Pat (his wife), I have all along felt I couldn't put that pressure on her. so now I have just got to learn to live with my anger and frustration that Bob hasn't really suffered that much for what he has done to me. I can in the long term forgive him but I will never forget any of that night and the feelings I had for several weeks afterwards. I am still sometimes scared to go out both during the day or evening and if I have been out at night feel dreadful from when I turn into the carport area till I am safely indoors and the door locked!

On a semi brighter note The EPP session went well yesterday and it has been confirmed that my 2nd assessment will happen next Thursday afternoon, a freelance EPP assessor coming from Northampton to give me the 'once-over'! I am nervous but fairly confident that I can do a good job of sections 2/4 of session 3. The best part about getting this assessment over is that I will be able to offer my services as an 'Accredited' trainer to other primary care trusts in the area, thereby gaining more experience towards my goal of becoming an Assessor/Trainer of trainers myself and hopefully helping other people with chronic long term illness or disease cope better and self-manage their lives more successfully which means they and I are less of a burden on the National Health Service. Jeezz that sounds so pompous but you all know what I mean don't you?

After today's events I feel very tired and exhausted so I'm going to have an earlyish night snuggled down under my duvet listening to digital radio stations till I drift off into the land of Nod, not feeling like having anything to eat be it either good for me or not so will have a slice of toast, take my pills and hopefully snore shortly afterwards.

2006-02-15T18:51:00.000Z

Keep your Tongue Out of the Way

I've yet again been a big brave boy! (hehe). I've managed to keep calm for 3 visits to the dentist, today he did 4 fillings all on the left side of my mouth, 2 major ones and 2 not so huge. My mouth still feels a tad numb from the 4 injections that he gave. Plus he did part 1 of my scaling and polishing. From what he said I have only got 1 more visit to go but it will be the most scary for me he's going to do the extraction and complete the other couple of fillings needed plus hopefully complete the scaling as well. I'm not sure yet if Matt will be able to go with me as he has cancelled his last 2 appointments, I think the Practice Nurse is getting a little tired of it as the Dentist made a special place for both Matt and I to be in his practice, after all it is in Coventry and we live some 45 miles away in Milton Keynes. The guy only took us on as we are friends of the nurse's sister.

I am still feeling pretty low and finding it hard to cope with things both mentally and physically. My walking is now sometimes painful and I get spasms in my calves in a morning when I try to stretch my legs just before getting up out of bed, it's like a cramp in them, sometimes it passes if I just try to relax my legs again, other times no chance. I am seeing Sue my CPN Friday so at least I talk to her about my feelings etc.

Had a visit from Steve on Monday with the girls, they were well-behaved and sat watching a dvd whilst Steve sorted out the pc and got my old scanner working off a usb lead plus he found out why quicktime had decided to off on holiday without telling me!

Steve is such a good friend to me and to so many other people too, nothing is ever too much trouble and he puts up with my depression and physical problems too. I wish he could now find a guy who will love him and take care of him the way he does for us all. I love Steve so much but I know that i am in no way physically attractive to him if he did fancy me I think we could have an even deeper relationship than we do already, be that as it may Steve is the very best friend I have and I'd hate to spoil the relationship we have in any way at all. Last night I went over to his place and we watched stuff he had downloaded from Disneyland Tokyo and Hong Kong, it was a fun evening plus i treated myself to fish and chips and ate almost all of it too!

Well it's now 7.15 in the evning, my mouth is getting feeling back into itself and I am for once begining to feel hungry, so I'm going to raid the 'fridge/freezer and see what I can have that doesn't need too much chewing, I fancy scrambled eggs on toast but guess what NO EGGS oh poo!

2006-02-12T18:58:00.000Z

It's Been a Funny Week!

It really has too, Tuesday I went up to Sheffield with Steve to see Sue, just to check out that she had retired! Guess what? She has and I must say she looked so much more relaxed than the last time Steve and I saw her which was just after Christmas. Steve did all the practical things that men are supposed to be able to do. eg. set up her new Freeview box, showed her how to use the cool digital camera that people at work had given her when she retired, set up her new telephone system (bought that day in Meadowhall) and gave her the bad news that the computer should be banished to the wastelands of wherever she liked. It is a shame in many ways that it is, although only 6 years old so out of date that it can't cope with new technology of broadband or other stuff and to re-equip it to get it up to stnadard would be almost if not more than the cost of a brand new machine.

We had a lovely day with Sue, despite my having problems with walking I manged to get round Meadowhall Mall, albeit slowly, very slowly at times. Once or twice I felt like asking Sue and steve to go into reverse gear just so that I could catch up with them. Also treated myself to 2 kilos of tomato sauages from Crawshaws a nice buthcers in the mall. By the time I got back to MK I was shattered and in pain too.

Wednesday again a busy day, picked Donna up for a meeting with the EPP group that we had taught in Oct/Nov of last year, we had all been invited to a lunch meet at Bletchley College in their catering training centre. The students were all 1st year trainees doing the waiting plus the meals were prepared by students too. They were all excellent, I wish I could do 'Silver Service' that well. We enjoyed ourselves so much that we agreed a 2nd reunion do should go ahead, after some discussion it was agreed that we would have lunch again at Bletchley on the 28th of June, which as it is just after my 60th birthday I arranged with Emma for a chocolate birthday cake to be there too.

Thursday started the new course of the Expert Patient Programme in Wolverton, what a lovely group of participants they are too. All keen to take part and hopefully learn how to self-manage their various conditions better, as usual there is a range of illnesses involved, diabetes, fybro-myalgia, multiple sclerosis etc. I confess to feeling a bit conspicous as I was the only male there, (could I be the rose intertwined with all the thorns?) Nah I'm the Thorn!!! The staff at the Christian Foundation Centre made us so welcome, offering us during our tea/coffee break, baked potatoes and cakes. If the group continues to gel over the next 5 weeks or so as it did in the 1st session then I think we will have another group who will continue to support one another for a long time to come, plus manage their medical conditions more confidently.

Had a phone call from G Friday evening he sounded tired (working far too much as usual) but upbeat, seems his snowboard lessons are going well despite his falling several times on Thursday and hurting his right hand, still as the old saying goes 'No pain, no gain' or something like that. I am really happy that he still wants to be friends with me as I thought at first after we decided that "just being friends" as I am so much older then he is that he would not bother to contact me even when I contaced him, (you know, look at the number that came up on his mobile phone and just ignore it, letting it go onto answerphone then not respond anyway). in fact it has been G that has rung me rather than the other way round.

Depression is still hovering over me, I keep on trying to use the techniques we teach on the EPP course - distraction, self-talk, relaxation, exercise etc! All to no avail I just don't seem able to shake it off and as usual there isn't anything rational or justifiable appearing to be the cause. I can still fall asleep on the rim of a 5pence coin so at least being able to sleep at night isn't a problem. but getting through each day till I go to bed is getting harder and harder. It isn't the going down into the depression that is the problem, it's the coming back up to a coping level and wondering if the next time I start to feel low will I be able to find the strength to climb up yet again, every time it seems to get that bit harder to find the will to carry on. Sometimes I get scared and think I should try to commit suicide because then I would not have to keep on trying BUT knowing me I'd only manage to screw that up too and would wind up in an even worse state than I am at present, so killing myself isn't an option is it? NO it isn't! At least I am seeing Sue my CPN on Friday morning so I will talk to her about it all. Plus my friends are there rooting for me too. My mobility is hard work too, I have fallen several times this week, luckily I have been indoors each time so landed reasonably softly, I really hate it if I fall outside, the pavements and roads are just so hard and cold and unbending when I land!

On a lighter note I fell in love yesterday! No not with a man (I Wish) but with a car, the Peugeot 1007, Perry's the local dealers had a display in Midsummer Place, CMK. Until yesterday I had only seen the car on the website and thought it looked good, now I know it is GOOD, plenty of room and high enough for me to be able to get in/out of comfortably not too large a boot, but with the rear seats folded down far more that I'll need. So wish me luck with my DLA application 'cause if it goes through and I get the high rates on mobility and care I will test drive the 1007 and a couple of other small MPV type cars hoping that my transport problems will be eased for the next 3 years.

Thank you Steve for cutting my hair on Friday evening and caring so much for me all the time.

2006-02-06T20:07:00.000Z

Posh Dinner Do!

Saturday evening saw me get out my glad rags and doll myself up for a "posh do." So for the first time in many years, I wore my 'Las Vegas' cream dinner jacket, dress trousers, black dress shirt, red bowtie, snazzy waistcoat and my OTT cufflinks. I must confess I felt like a million dollars as I entered Eydon Village Hall, for the Eydon Players annual dinner. Mat and I got there earlyish as I wanted to try and park as close to the hall as possible 'cause I wasn't too steady on my feet, I'd fallen over a couple of times during the day at home too. Needless to say despite our early arrival I still had to park a distance from the hall meaning I had to walk slowly and shakily to it. I made myself use my walking stick as extra support but I hate having to do that, I feel as if I am letting myself down (I know that, that is silly but I feel that way about its use). Faith, who organised the Do was already there as were Peter and Carrie all 3 of whom had been there most of the afternoon setting things up, the tables looked smashing. Faith wore a formal gown that was almost medieval in style and she looked every inch the "Milady Eydon", Carrie was in a far more modern long gown of velvet, and looked stunning, Peter in his best bib and tucker too. Mat who on the way there said he felt a tad self concious also as they say 'Scrubbed up well' he was in his red, latin dance shirt, smart close fitting trousers and he wore his 'Latin' dance shoes too. Most of the men who attended wore dress suits and the ladies an attractive dress some 'cocktail style' some more formal, other, trouser suits, all-in-all everyone had made an effort to look topnotch and that added to the overall enjoyment of the evening. the meal was well prepared by the travelling caterers, was served well and was hot too. Mat and I eventually left Eydon just after midnight, getting back to MK just after 1.00am tired and weary, but happy!

Steve in his blog posted Saturday says that he is a 'Proud Parent' and so he should be, Matt, his 2nd eldest son managed to get himself beaten up Saturday afternoon in the centre of Northampton because he went to the aid of a young gay lad who was being taunted and harrassed by a group of local chavs, naturally no-one witnessed anything, despite it being right in the town centre and the police were as usual about as much help as a chocolate fireguard! When I spoke to Matt last night (Sun) I also told him that I was proud to be able to call him a friend, his reply was that 'he would do it a thousand times if it meant someone vunerable was helped and kept safe'. We often moan about the youth of today but whilst there are lads like Matt about then I think there is a chance for us all. WELL DONE MATT ,I AM PROUD OF YOU AND LOVE YOU TOO AS A FRIEND!

2006-01-30T19:11:00.000Z

Open Wide

That's what the nice man said, then he gave me 2 injections into my gums, and sent me back out into the waiting room. Yup you've guessed it I've been to see the dentist, for only the 2nd time in nearly 20 years.....Minutes later called back in to his treatment room and he started prodding and probing my mouth and that's when I remembered why I am so scared. Partly it is the sound of the equipment he uses to pick out bits and scrape at your teeth, drilling holes too, partly the sound and feeling of that suction thingy the nurse holds in your mouth at the same time and last but not least the feeling of the bits that come off your teeth and clog up in the space between your jaw and gums, these bits feel huge and tend to make me feel sick as I try to either swallow them or dislodge them into my throat, BUT when you rinse and see them as they dissappear down the plughole you see that they are nearly microscopic. After what seemed to me to be an eternity, only about 25/30 minutes though, it was all over and I came away with 2 large fillings plus the date of my next appointment for more work to be completed. Must say I gave myself a metophorical pat on the back for managing to stay in the chair and allow him to get the job done. So special treat for me tonight a large Campari and orange juice I think!!!

Depression seems to be hovering about again, not sure yet as to which way it is going to go, I am trying to keep positive and use distraction techniques to try and stop the feelings getting worse...so far so good. My mobility is getting more difficult, walking is slowing down and causing me some pain and using stairs is a struggle, but I have got to keep mobile somehow so if I'm in pain, then I'm in pain! And at least I have some fairly strong pain-killers to take to help ease the problem.

Had a call from Charlotte this evening about the next EPP course and the scheduling of my 2nd assessment during the 6 weeks of it. I will be being assessed on my presentation of week 3 of the course, well the sections of it that I 'lead' on, where I am scribing for Donna isn't quite so important as she is presenting that part and I am just writing down notes in any 'Problem solving and Free-thinking' items. Nonetheless I have to be on my toes and in peak condition to pass the assessment.

After what seems a long tiring day I am going to settle down to bed earlyish tonight hopefully getting a good night's rest so that I can do lots of bits and bobs tomorrow, like start scanning 1500 or so 35mm slides onto my pc's external hard drive, the slides are of holidays I took from 1976 till 2000 when Richard passed away, I have all his slides but not got a projector that works that well, so thought it would be easier to have them all on the pc and then copy onto dvd's too for Sue and Mary to have also.

I must ring Sue later to find out how her first day as a retiree has gone, I was going to telephone her at about 6.45 this morning just to tell her she could stay in bed for a while longer but I think if I had then there would have been some very naughty words shouted down the line at me. Hehe.

2006-01-29T16:48:00.000Z

We Are Still Good Friends

Well at long last G and I finally succeeded in meeting up on Wednesday evening the 25th of Jan. I gave G both his Christmas and Birthday gifts, a bottle of malt whisky and two dvds of Jacques Tati 'Mr Hulot's Holiday' and 'Jour de Fete,' both of which I am sure he will enjoy when he finds time to watch them. For me G bought a fabulous book 'The Disney Experience' it is full of facsimiles of Disney memorabilia; posters, tickets, plans 3D photo's etc, it really is a great gift. The bad news, is, as the title of this blog says we have parted as sort of lovers and are going to remain friends, and good friends at that. we had a long talk Wed' eve' and a couple of times of Thursday too, both of us were upset, but both feel that it is for the best, I wanted G to make more committment to us and he just could not do that, for many reasons all of which I understand and respect. It doesn't make it any easier to know that I am without a partner again. Still the past 3 years have, as far as I'm concerned been very good and I will always be there for him no matter what. As I said in a previous blog after Edward died some 20 odd years ago I said I would never get involved again.Tthen G and I met and I gave in to my feelings! I'm glad I did in many ways as I have learnt a lot from him about how to cope with a man who is bisexual and cannot come out to anyone but me, and on the lighter side got a couple of great recipes from him for meals and he is a good cook too, plus he introduced me to some very cool websites. So G if you read this THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! I will always be there for you and support you 110% and I really do want us to continue as good friends.

Sue has retired, she can now call herself a 'lady of leisure' 45 years working in one company. Yes, the company owners have changed several times but she was still there, in fact when she left on Friday she was the longest serving member of staff there. Lots of nice pressies given along with cards too, I wonder if she will remember not to set her alarm clock tonight hehe!

I am when I think of it truly blessed with good friends, there's, Steve, David, Greg, Sue, Mary too. It's also true to say one can choose your friends. Realtives are just there and apart from Julie my niece, (sort of, her mother was my sister-in-laws sister) I in my blood family have two nephews and two great nephews who I never see or hear from...Well I am the black sheep of the family "He is a queer" they say so mustn't have anything to do with him it might rub off and you could catch something..... Yes like love and friendship that's all. Over the past few months it has been my friends that have been there for me keeping me going when I've been down or ill or nearly murdered. So to all of them I say thank you, I will be there for all of you too, so call if you need to otherwise just call and have a gossip or pop in for a coffee etc. and I'll do the same to you too.

2006-01-22T20:34:00.000Z

Visits That Fail

Thursday evening I had just left MK on my way up to B'ham to see G to celebrate his birthday albeit an evening early when I got a text message from him saying he had to cancel due to pressure at work and other factors. I went on over to Steve's as I had intended calling there enroute to G's first. I felt really let down and upset that yet again G and my plans to meet had fallen through. Later G suggested I went up early Friday morning but I couldn't as I had a meeting with the PCT about EPP. I hope that we can meet up sometime later this week though, as I still have his Christmas and now birthday presents here for him.

When my last partner died some 20 years or so ago I said I would never let myself get so involved with anyone else so deeply, but then G came along and yes I know I feel more for him that I guess he does for me in that I sometimes feel like a giddy youngster in love for the first time. It's silly but hearing his voice makes me feel life is good and worth living, being with him even moreso..... I know in my heart that we will never be more than friends but I hope we will remain friends for many years to come and if other things happen when we are together then that is the icing on the cake for me. I want him to feel and know he can trust me in every way, call on me for help and support too, and as friends ought to be able to do be, there for each other through thick and thin.

I am pleased to be able to report that Steve is slowly but surely getting better, he has eaten a full meal today, Matt seems to be on the recovery road too.

Spent a great afternoon and eve with Steve yesterday, we looked at loads of photos of his various holidays with the family and some of Tony with him and Nick in GC. On the way home I had to pull over and have a cry as I was thinking about Tony and how good a friend he had been to me in the short time I knew him. How he introduced me to Steve, Nick and several other friends, and how they had accepted me as being part of his circle of friends, Danny in the US included. But most of all that he introduced me to Steve, who I feel I can truly call my best friend.

I am off in the morning to deliver posters about EPP to gp practices, chemists and maybe libraries in the North of MK in the hope that we can attract some more participants to the course, so far there are 2 courses planned for this year, more can be added if funding is there after the budgets are decided for the pct in April. EPP stands for Expert Patient Programme it is a 6 week course, held once a week for about 2 1/2hours to help people self-manage their chronic and/or long term illnesses or disabilities. It is not about telling the health professionals how to do their jobs, more to help people get the most out of their interaction with the professionals, to make more of their appointments with such people, to learn to relax, understand why medications help when taken correctly. Setting goals to achieve by making Action plans to break down the goals into segments that are achievable rather than putting things out of reach by trying to do the big things all at once. I will be tutoring the course with D who has experience of doing more courses than I and I know I will learn from her way of presenting the course. I will be being assessed during one session and if I pass the assessment then I get my accreditation as a tutor, meaning I can then be a "lead" tutor for EPP. the course is taught by people who are themselves either disabled or suffer from chronic/long-term illness so we talk from experience, ourselves.

I hope to hear soon about my application to have my DLA reassessed upwards. I am finding it hard to cope both with my mobility and personal care. I seem to need someone almost hovering around me to make sure that I get up, wash, dress, take my medication and eat properly most of the time. Depression is getting worse in that it takes longer for the down feelings to ease off to a point where I can cope on a daily basis, I need to be constantly encouraged to do even the smallest things for myself. Mobility somedays is horrendous, I can hardly get about, it can take ten minutes or more to get back upstairs to use the loo meaning I have to set off hoping that I either get there before I go or can go by the time I am in the bathroom. Parking the car as close to whatever shops I need to go to so that I don't have too far to walk as I am in pain and/or get out of breath quickly. Panic attacks occuring meaning I feel I need to get back into the safety of my own home as soon as possible, thus meaning I have to try and walk quickly back to the car, which in turn means more pain and stress. I do at least have a "Blue Badge" now meaning I can park in disabled bays which are usually close enough to the places I need to go to, to be able to get back to the car without too much difficulty. Even if I get rejected this time I can ask for an appeal to be heard quickly.

Well its time for me to go to bed I think so I'll let Gershwin out in the garden to do his toilet, draw myself a warm bubbly bath then settle down and hope that tomorrow brings forth a start to a good week for me, No Pain, No depression and a meet with G in B'ham. Night night

2006-01-20T00:10:00.000Z

Life Plods Along I Guess

Well, I was supposed to go to Birmingham tonight to see G and celebrate his birthday albeit an evening early, but as I was just starting the journey he sent a text calling the meet off due to things going all to pot at work, he later texted again to say he was really sorry and a few minutes later rang as well. He has had a shitty day poor love, yet again the estate agents have pulled the plug on the house he had put an offer in on. They really are bastards!! I rang him when I eventually got home, he sounded so down in the dumps that if I could have I would have got back in the car and driven straight up to Brum just to give him a hug. Hopefully though there is a slim chance we may meet up tomorrow (20th) so that I can give him both his Christmas and birthday gifts, hope he likes them.

Instead of going to Brum I stayed in Northampton at Steve's, my original plan had been to pop in to see him then go on to G for the rest of the evening. As usual Steve made me very welcome and it was some consolation to be able to talk to him about everything and nothing and in no particular order either. Pleased to report too, that he is slowly looking and feeling a tad better, Matt is now rough, on antibiotics but may if no improvement in a couple more days have to have tests for glandular fever, must admit it wouldn't surprise me if the results were in agreement with the gp's thoughts.

Had to spend a further £112.50 on Madame this morning for a new wheel and tyre, the one I blew back in mid November, seems I buckled the steel rim beyond repair, typical of me, couldn't just blow tyre had to screw up everything!! Will have to get the now, spare tyre done next payday as it is close to being no good to use tread too worn!

As I drove home from Steve's I could feel myself getting more and more depressed, at least for once I can rationalise the feelings (not being able to be with G) usually these depressive feelings just seem to appear out of nowhere and without any justification to them. So it almost makes a pleasant change for me to be able to recognise why I feel so down, actually I feel like crying but that won't change anything about the evening or how I feel in any way. I am very fond of G and would like to spend more time in his company. Since Edward died over 20 years ago G is the first man I have felt anything really for. Oh shit I sound maudlin and morose don't I?

Well I guess I'd better close and go to bed, hopefully sleep and not just lie there churning things over in my mind.

It's now midnight thirty so it's the 20th January 2006 HAPPY BIRTHDAY G. Take care, have a good day and whatever you choose to do in your life I am there for you and will support you all I can. Plus I hope you receive the e-card I have sent you.

2006-01-17T19:17:00.000Z

I'm No Longer Driving a Motorised Skateboard

Yesterday afternoon while over at Steve's I had the phonecall I'd been waiting for for several days, from Nationwide Crash Repairers to tell me "Madame" was ready for collection from their base in MK. I was there by 4.00pm signed the papers, paid the £150 excess due and brought her home. They have not only put her back to looking and running nice but have given her a full wash and brush up including a nice shampoo and set. In other words they have valeted her inside and out, she looks fab.

The weekend and yesterday saw me spending time with Steve as he is really ill. He went to his doctor on Friday, saw a nurse not the doc and got told "You've got a virus, go home and rest!" That was about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Poor love can hardly if at all talk, is coughing up phlegm, his throat is sore and he is also running a temperature, his limbs and joints all ache too. Yesterday we got him in to see his own GP at an emergency appointment, guess what GP says not a Virus but laryingitis (wrong spelling I'm sure) so at least Steve now has some antibiotics to take. I am feeling quite honoured that Steve has called on me to help out during this period of yuck as it means he trusts me to be there for him just as he has been there for me so often in the past few weeks. Steve if you read this then remember I am only a text away or phonecall if the kids call for you okay. Oh and that i love you not sexually but as a real friend and thank you also for letting me be part of your family, it's like having another brother to me having you around and what's more You are a far more caring and loving brother than my real one ever was.

I start my next EPP course next month so that means I will have my second assessment during it. If I pass that assessment I will gain my accreditation as a qualified trainer of the excellent Expert Patient Programme. I have a responsibility to MK PCT to do 2 courses a year for them for 2 years and after that I can go teach the programme anywhere in the world. Eventually I think I would like to progress to actually being a Trainer of trainers for the programme but that will take a while and I am almost 60 now. I wish this had been about some years ago, I have really enjoyed seeing how people who come on the course blossom into being people who can cope better with their long term illnesses than they had been. I know the course has helped me. It doesn't give you all the answers and some people get more out of it than others but everyone goes away at the end of the course with some extra knowledge and ability to get through each day and if more people can gain from the self-management techniques shown then they can also get more out of their meetings with the professional medical staff that they come in contact with too.

8 working days to go and then dear Sue retires from work, I bet she is no longer counting the days or hours! If it was me I would be counting the minutes and seconds by now. There are going to be a couple of celebrations for her later next week, she is going out with the other secretaries for a meal one evening then her boss is taking her and several guests of her choice out to a posh restaurant on Friday lunchtime. I keep joking iwth her that it is not an upmarket place but the local greasy spoon for double egg and chips all round really!

Well I guess that is all for now, look out for further instalments later in the week. Bye!

2006-01-12T18:10:00.000Z

Take Two Aspirin and if No Better in the Morning.......

Poor Steve, he really isn't well, full of a chest and throat infection that has now taken what little voice he had yesterday away completely, I wish there was more I could do to help him other than be at the end of my mobile phone so that he can send a text if he needs me to go over and do whatever he needs doing. Or my landline so that Daisy J can call me on that, also Matt is under the weather too! I hope Steve can get an emergency appointment with his gp asap.

Not only is Steve unwell, but David in London is back in hospital this time with a possible bloodclot on his lung and low blood pressure too. Greg is naturally concerned and I hope he is coping okay, again I am at the end of phones in case they need me to help out. It's nice to be possibly on the giving side for a change as recently I seem to have been on the receiving end of help from my true, loyal friends, in so many ways. Update since starting this blog. David is home, no nasty clot things on the lungs jsut low blood pressure, but that isn't exactly good either.

Do you remember way back in November when I wrote, a friend had tried to kill me? Well there have been developments. Bob was back in magistrate's court yesterday, his solicitor was asking the court to adjourn for a further 3 weeks so that pre-sentencing reports could be obtained (Bob has had the decency to plead guilty at least!!!) Instead the court has referred the case to Aylsebury Crown Court as the Magistrates in MK felt that could not impose a strong enough sentence. This could mean that Bob could get a fairly hefty custodial sentence, but this could also be a suspended one too.

The more I think about it all the more I hope he goes down for a bloody long time. In court yesterday the Prosecution read out parts of both Mags and my statements, and the statement of the mini-cab driver of the cab Bob damaged, it brought back to me all the feelings of how I felt that night, and I was bloody frightened to be out last night in the dark for even a couple of minutes when I got back from Coventry after my dental appointment. I know if Bob does go down that it will mean a lot of problems for Pat as Bob is her carer, but honestly I couldn't give a flying fuck! As the old saying goes, "He has made his bed, so now he must lie in it! I expect Pat will ask me to help out caring for both herself and Mark which I will, but only as I care for them not because of any feelings for bob himself. (Rant over!!!!!!)

Silly isn't it but as I cannot find a dentist anywhere in this area or even vaguely close by I am now under the care of one in Coventry. Yes I did write Coventry. He seems as nice a type of guy as can be sofar as being a dentist, but only time will tell. Yesterday was just a pre-treatment exam, he said I need at least one extraction, several fillings and a No2 scaling. Help! I am terrified of dentists so it is going to be hard work keeping the appointments but at least I will have company for most of them as Matt/Sophie is also under Mr Moss's care and Teresa, the nurse has agreed to try and make both our appointments for the same day with one following the other.

Sue is now counting the days till her retirement in fact by my reckoning she has only 11 days to go. I know she can't wait, but it will be a huge shock to her system when she actually does stop work. The first few days will be strange to her as she will be able to stay in bed till whatever time she fancies. I bet she will feel strange after a few days of such a lazy lifestyle and knowing Sue she will go look for a little part-time job somewhere.

Going to call G a little later, when we chatted earlier this week he said there was a strong possibility of a meet over the weekend, I hope that we will get together, I miss him a lot and every so often just need to feel myself in his arms feeling wanted.

2006-01-07T16:51:00.000Z

Gosh It's snowing Again

Oh joy of joys! What pure bliss, NOT! I got up about 9.00ish this morning went downstairs let Gershwin out, made a cuppa, Gerswhin came in and we went back upstairs to get the pc going, looked out of the window and lo and behold, bloody great flakes of snow pouring out of a murky, yucky sky, not only that, but the snow was really settling too, in fact within 5 minutes or so you couldn't tell what colour Mag's car was, instead of being a nice dark red it was dark red with a white roof and bonnet, and no longer had a see-through screen either. A shame in some ways that the snow disappeared so quickly, by noon it had all gone and the street just looked soggy again.

Well I have wheels again, the repairers delivered the courtesy car about 2pm yesterday it's a Nissan Micra 05 reg, not bad either, a tad low for me to get in/out of but at least I can get about now and that makes me feel better in itself. went over to Steve's about 4pm, had as ever a grand time, treated the gang of 4 (the family) plus me to dinner from their chippy, had a cool piece of cod with lots of scrappings of crispy batter and chips straight out of the fryer. Steve did me a dvd of goodies for my pc but although it worked on his pc, well showed that the writing of it had worked on my pc nada so Steve we have a new set of coasters being made hehe.

Steve really is suffering with pain in his joints and I can see it is getting him down, if it is arthritis then I hope it doesn't get too bad, I hope that when he needs help he will call on me to do things for him, I am not much good at practical stuff, building things, changing plugs, drilling holes but I'd have a go, however knowing me if I drilled a hole in a wall I'd drill right through an electric cable at the very least, causing a major blackout of Northampton too. So Steve don't ask me to do that sort of stuff but if you need anything else like shopping done, washing, drying clothes, cooking, driving you or the kids anywhere CALL ME or if you just need some moral supprt can do that too.

G sems to have had a good couple of days doing presentations for business and I really do hope that the presentation he did yesterday comes off, it would be sch a prestigeous account to have, (crossed fingers, toes etc). I had hoped we could meet up tomorrow but as ever WORK is butting in. Never mind, one day soon we wil meet up for an evening or so, so I must think about getting his Birthday gift too.

Read some of Martyn's blog having linked to it from Steve's, how he (Martyn) can describe it as boring I don't know. hope his pantomime goes well for him.

Going over to Peter Unsworth's tonight for dinner, first time I've been invited, Matt/Sophie coming too, must say I'm looking forward to it, the other guests have changed as Tim's mum isn't well so he and family won't be joining us instead it is Bernadette and Joyce, who I think will be very stimulating conversationalists. Not that Tim et al wouldn't have been the same though.

2006-01-04T21:37:00.000Z

A Car A Car My Kingdom For A Car!

At long last or so it seems, the crash repair company has called to say they will be along sometime between 12.00 and 16.00 hours Firday to collect 'Madame', delivering a courtesy car at the same time. HOORAY I will have wheels again, I will be so pleased to be mobile again.

I am feeling a tad better mentally, not quite so depressed, but physically still feel yuck, I feel I continually want to vomit, but haven't been yet! I have actually had food today too, breakfast, some porridge, and a proper evening meal of roast chicken thighs, with steamed potatoes, and sliced carrots, taken all my medication too (gives self a pat on the back) wish I could either be sick or have this horrible feeling go!

Spoke to G tonight, to suggest that as I will be mobile from Friday I could go up and see him perhaps Friday eve, but he is off doing 2 presentations for work on Thurs and Friday somewhere down south, and won't be home till possibly very late. I really hope he gets either or both of the contracts the firm is going after, it would be a big feather in his cap to win these contracts. Agreed I would call him sometime Sat to see if Sunday would be a chance to meet up.

Poor Steve he was going to have a quiet day today doing just diy stuff, and othe bits and bobs but The best laid plans..... DJ's school deciding to not open yet again DJ was at home, Zoey had to be taken to her school as well, so by the time Steve sorted everything out the day had vanished. I know the feeling, some days just disappear without anything being accomplished others seem to be slow but things do get done.

Sue my CPN is calling tomorrow for our regular six-weekly meeting. There were times over the last few weeks when I thought I was going to have to call her and get some emergency help, however I coped but only because of Steve and all his care and and love, thanks Steve for everything yet again.

2006-01-01T20:36:00.000Z

Happy New Year

Yes I really mean it, Happy New Year! I'm not one for making New Year resolutions, certainly not right at the beginning of a new year anyway, perhaps I'll make some a couple of days/weeks into the year who knows. According to the Chinese Zodiac this coming year is, when they celebrate the New Year, the year of The Dog and as I was born in 1946 that makes it MY YEAR!! Let's hope it is a more successful one than 05, what with a busted car and my health seeming to get worse one way or an other it cannot be any worse? Or can it? Watch this space! Hehe.

I want through this blog want to put on record that no-one and I mean no-one could have a greater friend than Steve in Northampton, he has been there every step of the way, giving me encouragement, love and care physically, mentally and emotionally, Thank you Steve and family for everything. David and Greg in London have also been there for me, keeping a watchful eye on me and joining Steve in making sure I kept going even when I saw no point to anything, least of all staying alive!

I would dearly love to see far more of G this coming year, but we live some 60+ miles apart. I know he is an extremely busy guy, trying to make sure his company is successful, I think he should make more time for himself and not work what sometimes seems 24/7 almost 365 days a year, but I also know that if I needed him he would do all in his power to help if he could. I'm glad that he once in a while turns to me for a shoulder to sort of cry on (not literally, wouldn't mind though as my shoulders are damp-proofed) and a set of ears to bounce ideas off of. and G if you read this then know, I am always there for you 24/7 365 or 366 whichever year it is.

I will have to settle down to some study over the next couple or so weeks in preparation for the Expert Patient Programme course which begins mid February, I hope to get my full accreditation during the run of the six sessions. D has assured me that I will not have to work with the idle madam R, so I guess my 'lead' tutor will either be Donna, Charlotte or Mark. All of whom will make sure I do the course correctly and learn more about its presentation etc. So, so long as both my physical and mental health either improves or maintains a resaonable level and I have a set of working wheels I should be able to cope and who knows become a qualified tutor. My ambition is to become fully qualified eventually becoming an assessor/trainer of tutors of EPP.

Well enough of my ramblings off to have a couple of glasses of Zinfandel wine and watch M Poriot on tele. Night night!!!

2005-12-31T13:17:00.000Z

There is Nothing Like a Dame

Oh yes there is! Last night joined my friends from Eydon Players at Stantonbury Campus Theatre for MKAOS's Aladdin pantomine performance, thorouhgly enjoyed it despite the sound system operators not ensuring that all the principals who were wearing microphones were properly equipped. poor James as Wishee Washee had problems and it marred an otherwise strong performance by him, it would have so easy to place his mike in his hairline instead of on the front of his costume thus eliminating the ruffling sounds as he bounced gleefully about the stage. Loved the UV lit 'magic carpet' sequence it really came off well. Not so sure about the 'canned' music though, some of the cast had problems knowing when to start singing.

The evening though was marred for me though when dear Jill Coyne broke the dreadfully sad news that Cathy Hammond had died Christmas Eve alone at home after a hypoglycimia attack, I was and still am totally stunned by this news, I worked on at least three productions with MKAOS, with Cathy in the leading lady role, Half a Sixpence, The Music Man and a pantomime where she was principal boy. Cathy was an actor with so much talent and she lit up the stage with her sure-footed, skilful performances. I will miss her, but have some wonderful memories of her to last me a lifetime.

It is New Year's Eve and I feel very low and disheartened and wish I was dead too, I can rationalise some of these feelings to hearing about Cathy but not all of them. My year has been a crap one, and I cannot understand why I have such good friends who keep on helping me to continue living or understand why the do so either. I have gradually been getting less mobile physically, my diabetes seems to be getting worse, with blood sugars all over the place, (partly my own fault I know for not eating regularly or properly) and this depressive phase going on for well over a 6 weeks or so so now. Steve keeps on trying with me and I love him so much for all his help and confidence in me, just wish I loved and had the same confidence in me too. Steve has his own problems what with Jermaine and everything but he always finds time to care for other people too. One of my New Year wishes is that his life eases and that he finds a guy who really loves him and wants to take care of him too, he deserves that more than anyone else I know.

Well to all my readers please have a Happy New Year and I hope 2006 will be a great one for everything you need to make it a good one for you.

2005-12-29T17:00:00.000Z

That's another Fine Mess I've Gotten Into!

Yesterday went with Steve to see Sue and Mary up in Sheffield, had a great time and I am so pleased Sue and Mary like Steve and him them too, We all seem to be the right sort of loonies for one another, Had a nice meal at the Norton and Steve and I left for home, great journey back. dropped Steve off and decided to use the A508 back to MK, by the time I got to the canal just MK side of Roade I was bursting to go for a wee, pulled into the layby did what I needed to do, started to leave the layby and was doing about 10 mph, when I started to skid on a patch of ice and in trying to correct the slide banged up onto the kerb, completely buggering up my nearside front tyre and wheel, called RAC to come and rescue me which they did quickly, the guy jacked up the from of the car looked underneath and it seems I managed to fuck up the steering gubbins too, as a bolt has sheared off too. Steve very kindly came out to me aswell and brought me home in his car followed by the breakdown truck. Today have called the insurance company and put in a claim for the repairs, but got to wait till Tuesday for an assessor to come out to check "Madame" out. So I am stuck indoors till then as I can't get a courtesy car till he has been at least! Not too much of a problem as I have plenty of food and stuff indoors plus it is so cold and freezing outside that I'd rather beside anyway.

Had a letter from Dept of Work and Pensions today re: my application for a grant from the Social Fund, surpirse, surprise REFUSED. It really pisses me off that I who need help cannot get it and yet others can get anything and everything from them. One friend SFB gets anything he wants from the State, it appears he gets a "crisis" loan almost every other week, but then he is a layabout, pot smoking, boozer who will not do a fucking thing for himself and is certainly not prepared to get off his arse and get a job. I would love to be able to work but with my illnesses, not knowing from day-to-day how I am going to be feeling be that physically or mentally I cannot ask an employer to take the risk with me and no-one will either, and believe my I've tried. At least now I am part way through my training as a trainer on the Expert Patients Programme, next course hopefully in mid Feb 06 so, so long as I pass my second assesment I will be able to, when feeling well enough go try help other people with chronic, long-term health problems learn how to self-manage their illness better. It has helped me in the past year or so and even though most of the time I feel very depressed at least I have coped better than I did 12 months ago.

2005-12-27T16:54:00.000Z

There's White Stuff all Over the Garden!

Well there was when I eventually poked my head out from under the duvet at about 10.30am this morning, I didn't settle last night till almost 4.00am I was playing freecell on the pc and listening to Oneword radio at the same time, I guess I just lost track of real time so as to speak. By lunchtime most of the snow had melted away. But it will be a bugger if it all re-freezes overnight, or if more snow falls.

Matt and I went to the movies today at Cineworld in MK saw The Producers, I have been looking forwarxd to seeing it and was not dissapointed with it at all, the only actor who is not right is somebody Farrell who plays the writer of Springtime for Hitler, not sure why I didn't like his performance but it somehow just didn't work. Uma Thurman was great, she can sing, dance, and act all at the same time too (hehe)! I wish I had seen Lane and Broderick on stage in NY as they work so hard and appear to be having such fun as Biallystock and Bloom, that a live performance would have really been something to see. There are some nice "in" jokes dotted throughout the script and some of the sight gags such as the 'play on words' title of some of Biallystock and Bloom's shows are so corny they are funny. I want to go to London and see the 'live' show even more now!! I think tonight I'll get out my dvd of the original film version to watch as tv is as usual fairly crap.

Still feeling depressed most of the time, just having short periods of feeling slightly better, this bout is certainly one of the longest I have suffered for sometime, I will have to put a good face on tomorrow though when Steve and I go up to see Sue and Mary in Sheffield, (thank god for make-up lol). The 'up' times are getting shorter again since Christmas Day. If this bout was exacerbated by Bob with his threats and attempt to kill me then I am bloody well pissed off with him! Talk about understatement. I was feeling shitty enough as it was, my mobility was/is getting worse plus I was getting the shakes every so often, which meant I was not able to cope too well without having to ask for help! The lack of mobility means I have to ask for help to do things that I can't manage to do on my own, I am a stubborn bastard much prefering to do things for myself despite problems it then causes me, after all I live alone so if I need to do things then I've got to do them myself most of the time. I unlike Blanche in 'A Streetcar Named Desire' who says "I can always rely on the kindness of strangers (friends)" as there might not be anyone about!

Well it's 5.30pm and Gershwin needs his food and I fancy a drink too so see ya all later bye!

2005-12-26T11:38:00.000Z

Happy Christmas? It Was!!!

I really should have been named Robin Scrooge Bah Humbug Hinton Brewer! I am a total misery every Christmas, actually I really hate it! Mainly because of the way everyone pretending to be so happy and full of good cheer when in truth they aren't! the falseness of it all makes me so angry, it is all so commercial with the real reason for the celebration being totally forgotten (and I am a non-believer). But this year has been even worse I have been feeling so depressed and scared of the future that I really didn't want to be alive at all. I did get a phone call from one of the few people I look on as a true friend, G, he called Christmas Eve and we chatted for a long time, I hope all the work he is putting in over the festive season pays off with some great contracts being awarded to his company in the new year. Plus I hope he manages to get down to see me soon or me up to see him, I need to feel his arms around me and him just holding me and me him, when we are together its makes life seem a lot better somehow.

Christmas day dawned with me feeling down, in pain, only wanting to try to turn over in bed to get comfy again, and keep warm under my duvet, Gershwin (my dog) wanted me up and about as he needed to go outside to do his morning ablutions etc, so at the crack of 10.15am I puuled myself up and out of bed. Did my own ablutions, made sure Gershwin was ok then went off to join Steve and family in Northampton for Christmas Day lunch. I had a wonderful time with them, the kids helped prepare the meal and for some strange reason Steve got me to carve the turkey, (strange man thinking I'd be any good at it!) actually though I don't think I did a bad job of it. Jermaine and his carers joined us at the festive table. Jermaine really can't handle too much excitement and he kicked off trying to and succeeding several times in thumping Johnson and Temi (the carers). In some ways this was a good thing as it showed them that Steve had not been exaggerating about J's behaviour. Zoey had whilst being at her carers made a Christmas cake and it was truly scrummy, one of the moistest, tasty cakes I have ever had at this time of year plus she had put lots of marzipan on it (my favourite bit of any christmas cake).

I got home just after 5pm fed Gershwin, made myself a sandwich, cut a chunk of Tunis cake to go along with a cup of tea and settled down to watch my fab present from Steve, a dvd of the Moulin Rouge cabaret "Formidable" it was great, the shows at the Moulin aren't as spectacular as those at the Lido but just as bright and full of pizzazz, being the sentimentalist that I am I was crying by the end of it as it brought back memories of my late best friend Richard with whom I spent several great holidays in Paris in the 1980's and 90's. Formidable was one of the shows we saw there live! I hope that the Lido will eventually bring out a dvd of Ces't Magique their last show as having that would complete my Paris cabaret package.

Well it is now Boxing Day lunchtime and how do I feel? In pain, my back around my kidney area hurts, my mobility is iffy too, but I don't feel as low as I have over the past few weeks, I'm sure my mood has lifted due to the love and kindness of Steve and his wonderful kids. I really don't know what I have done to be able to have such a good friend as Steve! I do know though that I am very, very lucky. If you read this Steve Thank you for absolutely everything yesterday and all through the last year, you have helped keep me going more than you will ever know and I LOVE YOU for it!!!!

2005-12-21T19:23:00.000Z

Madame is Home

Yippee! Madame is back in her own home, safely tucked up in her garage, Steve took me down to Arden Park Garage in Wolverton, on Monday afternoon and so generously paid for the repairs on the car for me, He is such a good friend to me and despite me telling him he will never completely understand just how much having the car back means to me. Madame as it is called is rather like having my right hand (or left hand in my case as I am left handed) back, I once again have the freedom to get out of the house and back to it again in safety. I was able to repay Steve today in kindness at least, Jermaine was due home from respite and Steve's lovely Neon has gone into hospital to have her dents removed, the loan car is such a tiny little thing that, if you blink you can actually miss it! So I was asked to help out to get J home for Christmas, it was a honour to help out. I will have to sort out a payment schedule in money back to Steve asap.

Big Julie is coming down from Atherstone tomorrow afternoon it will be good to see her again, the poor love is still having a mixed up love-life, I hope the new man Paul turns out okay for her.

Sent off the forms to DLA on Friday last, I expect it will take them till at least late Jan 06 before I get a decision from them, I hope it will be favourable meaning I will get both higher rate for mobility and care. Spoke to my cpn and Dr M both have said they will support my application, all I can do know is wait.

Well I'm off to make a cuppa and have a little something to eat I suppose, don't feel hungry but everyone keeps telling me I must eat at least once a day so I will give it a try.

2005-12-17T18:20:00.000Z

I Wish I Could Cope!

Well its two weeks since the panto finished and since then what with the car being bust and my mobility getting worse a nice strong bout of depression has set in in I rather wish I wasn't about any more. Steve has been an absolute brick since the car died, he has helped me complete a complete set of DLA forms in the hope that I can get more help financially for mobility and daily care of and for myself, plus an application to the Social Fund for a grant towards the cost of getting "Madame" (the car) back on the road.

I haven't felt as depressed as I do right now for many years, not in fact since my last major breakdown back in the mid eighties before coming up to MK to live. when I left my last full-time job in 1990 was a bad time but not as bad as everything seems right now and I left that more because of the bullying bitch of a manager I worked directly for! than anything else.

This depression was begining to raise its head before the panto performances started and I put it down to the fact that my work with the show was almost over and that I wouldn't have anything to look forward to in the way of directing work for at least a while. Now I feel that, that wasn't the cause, it was and is me and my shitty mentality just being me.

My lack of mobility isn't helping either, yesterday (friday) I walked to the local bus stop in Bradwell Road, it took me 25 minutes to do, at the most when I am in "normal" mode it takes me at the most 10 minutes or so, waited another 15 minutes for a No 5 bus. Eventually getting into CMK an hour and 15 minutes after leaving home! by car it is a 10 minute trip of 2 miles! Ok I might then have an hour of trying to find a parking space hehe! but I can usually get a space close to where I need to be for my shopping needs at that time. It then took a further 3/4 hour to walk from Midsummer Place up to Waitrose's and that was followed be a 40 minute wait for a minicab home. By the time I did get home I was frozen, in pain from walking, tired and generally yuck.

I must be going potty as I have even tried to make a phone call today to speak to my dad in Selsey and HE HAS BEEN DEAD FOR 10 YEARS!!! for fucks sake what is wrong with me. Oh well I'm going to go down stairs make a cuppa, and take the pills that I am supposed to take before going to bed, fill my hot water bottle and do just that. Go to bed, put BBC7 on and hopefully sleep, who knows the sun might come out tomorrow and I might feel a lot better (nah!!!)

2005-12-10T13:33:00.000Z

The Panto's Over

The curtains have closed on what for a few weeks has been one of the happiest times of my life. Eydon Players really came up trumps for me, giving wonderful performances each and every night. Everyone, so it seemed left the small village hall saying that it was one of, if not the best pantomime seen there in years, I cannot take too much praise for that as it was the company that did all the hard work, I merely pointed them in (hopefully) the right direction. After the final performance I was called onstage by Judith the fab stage manager, everyone from the cast, backstage crew and front of house were there. Don Hussey (Chairman) thanked Becky the Musical Director for all her hard work presenting her with a small gift and lovely bouquet of seasonal flowers, Don then said that the company had really had an enjoyable time working with me and gave me a gift too. Me being me felt very embarrassed but managed to say thank you to him and the company. I waited till I was alone to open the gift, it was a photograph of the dress rehearsal finale line-up, a 'Thank You' card signed with nice comments by the company and last but not least £50 of theatre vouchers for me to use in virtually any theatre in the country, this means I can go see The Producers at Drury Lane shortly.

It wasn't a completely successful week though, poor 'Madame' my Renault Kangoo car decided to have a truly terriffic hissy fit, she broke down in Towcester, letting her fan belt and cam belt shred, thus completely screwing up her engine, which had served me faithfully for some 76000 miles or so. a nice RAC man came with his big truck to take me and her home and Steve rushed out from his home to sit with me and help in any way he could if needed. Just having him there was more than enough for me though, Matt got picked up from T by his dad and then came back to my place so that we could get to Eydon for the rest of the Thursday evening performance, a special thanks must go to the staff at the Royal Oak pub for taking the trouble to help me out by running round to the village hall to tell them what had happened to me and 'Madame'. Matt then took over all the driving of us both to and from Eydon for the last couple of days. 'Madame' is still at the repair shop being treated but the mechanic's prognosis is that she will recover all being well by sometime this coming Monday.

So being car less for a week or so has meant I have been out very little apart from doing the essential trips I've stayed indoors, I am finding walking is getting to be harder and harder, I seem to be only able to walk a hundred or so yards before I feel breathless and have pain in my hip joints meaning I have to stop and rest up for a few minutes, shopping was YUCK but at least I did complete it in the end, it took what seemed like and was hours. I am re-applying for DLA asking for an increase in the mobility part of it, hopefully if I get granted the high rate mobility section I can apply for a car under the Motability Scheme which would mean I don't have to worry about service, insurance and running costs of a car for three years or so.

Well I am sitting here at my pc and from downstairs is wafting a delicious scent of lamb casserole that is bubbling away in my slow-cooker, I am going to have a feast later I can assure you. Till next time, thanks for trawling your way through this missive (posh words eh) more thoughts to follow soon.

2005-11-28T07:04:00.000Z

I Promised Myself I wouldn't Get Emotional, But I Did, Sod It!

Sunday 27th November '05, this afternoon was the technical rehearsal of Puss in Boots, after a late start some 40 minutes due to some of the company not arriving till virtually starting time 2.30 pm instead of getting to the Village Hall for at the latest 1.55 pm (the half hour call time) and there only being two of us to do the make-up for almost all the cast, thankfully Elaine will be at the "Dress" tomorrow and that will make life so much easier. Judith was as ever in her wonderful "Stage Manager" mode, the stage was ready, the crew in place etc so off we went. At the 'walkdown' all i could do was burst into tears at how well the company had suddenly got it all together and made all my work in direction work, I'm sure there are things I could and should have done differently in the production but I am pleased and proud of what I have got this friendly, keen, company to perform. So what happened as i tried to give them their 'notes'? That's right I burst into tears and couldn't say a bloody word for several minutes.

A few minor cock-ups ensued throughout the rehearsal, the scene changes apart from one all worked well, which was all to the good, we stopped a couple of times to make adjustments, but overall the show worked. Jill to make a few notes for the company all of which were very minor ones. Tomorrow the Company have a 'real' audience and no doubt a fairly loud one at that! The local Cub, Brownies, Beavers groups, all being well there will be lots of cheers, boos, hisses and hopefully the odd ahh as the magic unfolds in front of them.

It seems churlish to pick out individuals for praise but I must, Elliott a 14 year old lad who at the first reading of the script was timid, very nervous and unsure of both his reading of lines has blossomed into a far more confident young actor, who has taken onboard my direction and suggestions with enthusiasm, building up his role with flair ad-libbing every once in a while much to the hilarity of us all.

2005-11-17T18:02:00.000Z

Reports of My Death Are Exagerated!

But not by that much! last friday evening at about 6.45pm a friend did actually hold a 14inch long machette at my throat and threaten to kill me, he also did the same to another friend of mine too. For once, Thames Valley police responded to calls from concerned people on this estate and arrived mob style, they used pepper spray on him about six times before eventually getting him to the ground where they managed after considerable trouble to cuff him, then get him into a van
.

I was terrified and spent the rest of Friday night shaking and hugging my Winnie the Pooh cuddly bear for comfort, Steve came over to sit with me for a while until i felt calm enough to go to bed, needless to say though I only got about half an hour's actual sleep all night.

Sunday night, I got a sort of delayed shock, my blood sugar went really high and I was again in the same sort of terrified state as I had been Friday night, in a complete panic I called Steve and he rushed over from Northampton to take me down to the MK doctor's locum place called MKDoc, there I was given some valium and told to contact my own gp asap on Monday.

What can I about Steve except to say a very big thank you for all his care, love and patience with me over this mess, he truly is the best friend I have and I love him to pieces, Thank you Steve for everything.

Now onto brighter things "Puss in Boots" not much more I can do for this production except give the company lots of encouragement and hope they make a success of it all, they have worked very hard throughout rehearsals. It would have been easier if we had, had all the cast at every rehearsal instead of always seeming to have people not there, plus if the music had been sorted as was promised in the first place!! all might have been a smoother run. Despite these trials we have something I feel I can be proud of in my direction of the show and the addition of costumes, make-up, lights etc will work their magic over it all. 'Just So' has sent the King's silly pair of socks they look fab and the laugh should work when the Queen starts to pull off the extra extra long one. The 'Balloon' routine with David and Tim will also look good, they have really put a lot of work into it outside of actual rehearsal nights.

I hope to hear from G tonight by phone so that we can fix up a meet together, I really need to get a huge hug from him to help me get over last Friday's mess, when I told him he was very concerned and sent me a lovely text later after we had spoken about it all
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Isaac's ashes arrived today at the vets so I went and collected them, it brought back all the tears and pain of having had to have him put to sleep, he is now back at home with Gershwin and I, out of pain and at peace.

2005-11-10T21:11:00.000Z

Well the ball routine is working out!

A good rehearsal last night, the 1st act runs ok and so long as the company actually learn all their lines it should go with a swing. The ball routine in act 2 at the picnic came on a treat, Tim and David really worked hard at it and once they are fully confident it will be funny
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Having a crap day today though my mobility seems to have all gone to pieces and I'm not walking very well at all, I actually gave in and used my walking stick when I went out to dine with steve and family at the new Buddies American diner in Sixfields, Northampton tonight. The food was good, the portions gi-normous so much so that both Steve and I had to ask for "doggy bags", Gershwin decided that it must actually be Christmas already as he got some corned beef hash along with his usual stuff for his dinner. Well the size of portion means I have lunch for tomorrow too and I expect some more left for G too.

Had a meet with Matt about recording his radio play tomorrow so that I have an idea of what he wants and expects from me as his narrator, I now only hope i can do as well as he wants me too. The play is for his Media Studies course at N'hampton College, and it is a re-telling of the Red Riding Hood story but as a politically correct version. I wish I could have written something as good at his age!!

It's now 21.20 hours, I feel a bit like death warmed up, ache and hurt in all my joints and walking is hurting me so I'm going to sleep downstairs on the sofa-bed as I need to go down and let Gershwin out before crashing out for the night. Wouldn't it be great if he could let himself out of the house and take himself for a walk to do his toilet stuff then come home, re-lock the front door, tuck me up in bed, put the lights out and settle down for the night all on his own........oh well I can dream i guess night night!

2005-11-06T20:03:00.000Z

Hold My Hand I'm a Stranger in Eydon

Well not quite by now, the company of the Eydon Players are I think getting quite used to me and how I try to take rehearsals, as the old saying goes 'Speak softly but carry a big stick' and if Robin shouts then DUCK!! Several of the younger members of the company had to DUCK for sure this afternoon, whilst waiting for their cue to go onstage they were in the dressing room and thenoise from there was deafening to say the least, Judith my ever practical stage manager told them to be quiet and nothing really happened so Robin had to project his voice to blasting level after I too was ignored, after 2 explosions peace and calm reigned supreme...

I do wish the music for the production had been sorted back at the begining of September as was promised I am still waiting for 2 pieces of music so that I can teach the routines to them and blimey we go on on the 28th of November with the DRESS! the problem stems from someone offering to do lots of work then finding she could not for various reason not cope but she didn't have the courage to tell anyone just kept re-promising, Judith kept nagging at her so did Peter but cie la vie sod all has arrived and so with less than 3 weeks to go we are struggling to find the bloody music! One good thing came from a phone call from Friday eve I have a new friend Matt who has offered to come help do the make-up for the production, I have seen some of his work in the past few weeks and it was very good, if he only gets to do the chorus I know they will all look good.

2005-11-06T09:14:00.000Z

3 Weeks Will It Ever Be Right!!

Up at the crack of 7.30 Saturday morn, showered, shaved, dressed and breakfast eaten, so off to Carousel Costumes in Leamington Spa again for for more fittings of Puss in Boots costumes for the Eydon production. Once again Andrew, Paula, and Sue came up trumps with some great looking frocks etc, my idea for the Dame's finale dress looked good on Tim and will look even better under the lights on stage as it will have all its beads and ribbons too by then. I can truthfully say that 'Alls well that ends well' as far as the costumes go. Just how well the produvtion it self goes well...... as the headline to this blog posting says 3 weeks etc. The company are great though and it will work .......

Gershwin seems to be coping well with the lack of Isaac being here, and I think enjoying the extra fuss and biscuits he is getting, he even seemed more settled last night with all the Bonfire Night fireworks that were going off all over MK.

Rehearsal again this afternoon for three hours so I am sure we will get lots of work done in setting the 'balloon' routine and running most of the full show. Will put all the gory detals on later hehe!!!

1st Day Without Isaac

2005-11-04T19:40:00.000Z

This is the first day for over 5 years that I have only one dog in the house, yesterday had to have my 14 year old chihuahua Isaac put to sleep and Gershwin my other dog is looking so lost but is getting lots of fuss etc.

I had Isaac live with me for nearly 5 and 1/2 years he like Gershwin was a rescued dog, and for some years has suffered from a heart murmur which also caused him to suffer from kidney problems due to the fluid about the heart. Over the last couple of weeks he was getting worse, had difficulty in walking and drinking lots of water plus the poor love was looking very depressed, so off to the vet and was told that Isaac had really days rather than weeks before he started to be in a lot of discomfort and pain. so the decision had to be made and Isaac was allowed to pass away peacefully, with dignity.

On a much lighter note I had the feedback from my first assesment as a tutor for the Expert Patient's Programme from Charlotte. I'm pleased to say this was favourable in all but a couple of minor points.

Off in the morning to Carousel Costumes for fittings for Puss in Boots costumes, last week Andrew as usual sourced me some really nice ones so I'm looking forward to seeing what he has ideas for for the rest of the company.